i was feeling lost, scared and agitated over the ending year, the challenges ahead and what the coming year holds for me.
i realized that i expect the worst things to happen - all the time.
whenever something good happens to me or no matter how pleasant the near future seems to be, i seem to gravitate towards that 51% chance that things can go wrong - or worse, that i can lose everything after gaining everything.
this is my core root dysfunction.
i am afraid for life to be great because losing wealth and happiness after experiencing them is most painful.
consistent with my pattern in life, whenever i feel lost and life does not make sense, i always happen on a film that offers me guidance and comfort.
this time, it was a documentary on haute couture fashion designer, Ralph Rucci.
who, i am honored to say, closely matches my subtle, minimalist, philosophical and spiritual creative aesthetic.
towards the end of the documentary, he talked about having an attitude of thanks. that everything created and every successful collection is 'borrowed'. that it came from a place beyond us.
that after struggling for many years, he stopped being afraid.
that after trying to find a place in the fashion industry, he finally decided to punch a hole in reality and create his own world.
that he stopped being fearful for what the future holds and focused instead on the many things to do and deadlines to meet in the present.
his sole prayer to his guides is to lead him.
that he may be led where he needed to be.
now that my fashion collections will be launched next year, may i be as courageous and centered as him.