it's my fault

the break-up was my fault.

this was my painful but much needed epiphany after casually browsing the book,
The Life You Were Born to Live.

it said, upon analysis of my Life Number,
i expect betrayal in life.
and because i secretly expect it, it ends up happening me.

the guy i loved dumped me without me knowing it.
and was having another relationship, again, without me knowing it.

the reason he gave me:
because i was always elusive.

it is painfully true.

while we can argue that he was an asshole,
i think it is an easy cop out by putting all the blame on him.

any self-aware individual knows that we are responsible in creating our circumstances, either on a conscious or unconscious level.

according to the book,
i expect betrayal because i secretly distrust the universe.
and, this is of course rooted within, a secret distrust of my self.

and because of this distrust, i withdrew from him.
afraid of exposing my shadow self, the things i did not trust and like about myself.

i should have trusted him with more of myself.

but, it was too late.

the break-up did open my eyes to a greater truth.
but it came at the expense of that relationship.
although i seriously doubt that it was relationship in the first place.

it was my fault.

so now, the next stage of healing can finally begin.