Thursday, February 15, 2007

why do i still have friends?

i am not always a good friend to my friends.
i am sure they deserve more from me.

i know i am difficult.
since i have my moods that prompt me to turn people away.

or, maybe my moods are not the ones at fault.
perhaps in general, i turn people away.
1) do i do that because i am afraid to get hurt?
2) or, do i do it because i am afraid that i will let them down because of my tendency to leave people behind when my higher goals need to be pursued or if i feel the need for space?

i think it is the second reason.

this is surprising.
apparently i am more noble than i give myself credit for.
this entails that i do not wish to see people hurt.

my friend, Azi, wrote me an email after not hearing from me for 3 months.
i apologized and said:
'i was focused on doing my Father's work'... surprisingly borrowing from the Christian story of Jesus being lost and then found at the temple, after taking off without permission.

his parents confronted him and wanted to know why he did not even bother to tell them where he went.

he answered:
'because i was off to do my Father's work'...
meaning God.

i love this story.
it encapsulates the reason why i shut myself off from friends at certain times.

this can be interpreted as a flaw.
but it is a mistake that i am willing to live with and leave unchanged.

i read somewhere that in the end, we journey alone in life.
i agree.
but not with the interpretation you may be thinking about.
in the end, i believe that we all possess a highly unique mission in life that only the individual can discover, live and fulfill.

one that is his responsibility alone.
and one that often needs initial solitude to ascertain and perform.
but once discovered and expressed, ultimately benefits not only his friends but humanity as a whole.

today, Azi left me the best testimonial about me on Friendster.
i underestimated Azi.
she knows me better than most people.
for those not in the know... a testimonial on Friendster (a la My Space) is akin to a toast at a friend's wedding.
a testament and declaration of friendship.
what i found unique about her testimonial was the fact that it did not say anything about me.
not even mentioning my name.
not one word to describe me directly.

instead, she told a story of how Paul Smith, the fashion designer, woke up to his love for fashion.

i don't know what else to tell you.
but she hit it bull's eye.

my love for fashion.
and how my passion found me.

this is the first time someone honored something i am passionate about.
because no one ever took it seriously.

i feel so humbled and grateful that Azi, as a friend, did not give up on me.

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