Sunday, May 6, 2007

turn the phone off (as well as Life's ringer)

so i blew my budget to help out a friend at a crossroad in her life
she snapped emotionally
so i pulled all the stops and used my remaining budget to offer her comfort

she will never know the consequence of what i did
and have no intention of boasting about it to anyone or to her directly

needless to say,
i had both my cable TV and phone bill suspended because of that financial help.

and i am typing this blog entry without going online.
composing instead on my desktop sticky note program.

imagine a world without television and internet for four days.
trust me, it is hard.
i am thankful to my business partner who kept me company for two days.
he dropped by around 9pm and offered me a bite to eat until 12 midnight.
for 2 days only.

it is now the midnight between Thursday and Friday.
and had no form of media since Tuesday.
missed all my favorite TV shows for the week.
as well as my favorite websites.

yes, i took my television and internet for granted.
but that is not the core realization.

the core insight is:
i've been hiding behind all this Noise for a long time.
unconsciously afraid of confronting certain thoughts in my head.

the peak of the pain happened the first night of forced Silence.
inside a white walled apartment room, in 3 hours, i thought of every possible regret and shameful experience left unexplored.

from my ex.
and what went wrong.
and what i did wrong.
and how, even if i ask for forgiveness and a second chance, it will never be.

to an intense fear of what is ultimately going to happen next in my life.

in between were thoughts so random.
and so varied.
and so fleetingly quick in succession.
around 2 seconds in duration.

like a window view from a speeding train, passing by a dark sleeping rural town.

that night,
most of my thoughts were dark.
nothing suicidal.
but definitely filed with intense despair, fear and doubt.

what i found strange was the lack of anger directed towards anyone.
but rather, an intense anger directed towards myself.
which makes me wonder,
could all human anger be mere projections of anger towards one's self?

in my case, it was.
i was so angry at myself for being less than ideal.

for being an emotional mess during the time i met my ex.
for being a cruel person to the significant other i am currently dating.
for being hormonally depressed.

so i sat there on my bed, giving all these thoughts and emotions the chance to run their course.
they deserve the light of day after all, considering the prison they've been in.

around 2am,
the height of all that darkness just lifted.

it was as if nothing else was left to purge.

what followed was not peace.
nor goodness.
nor light.

what followed was so neutral.
it was Silence.

my mind was finally silent for a full 30 minutes.
there was nothing more to Think.
every possible scenario (false or real) was sufficiently chewed and digested.

so i just laid there on my bed.
enjoying the silence that was so rare in my life.

i then noticed a light peeping from my bedroom window.
peeping from a small exposed corner left unblocked by my yellow window curtain.

it was a sliver of light from a full moon.
this can make you puke, i am sure.
don't worry, this is not meant to be romantic or cinematic.

but this event carries so much significance to me.
because the moon has been a life Omen to me since i was young.
and only made an appearance three times in my life.

i remember being 9 years old.
inside my dad's first car.
he came home one night, in our very first rented apartment.
announcing that he finally got a job.
that came with a company car with it.
and we took our very first ride.
went out for dinner.
on the way, i saw the Moon above, on a clear night sky.

and noticed that the Moon was following us.
i asked my parents:
why was the Moon following our car?

no matter where we turned,
it was there.
my parents never answered me.
but i kept on looking.

the second time was the peak of my depression after quitting my first job.
i just resigned from the biggest film company in my home country.
because my boss (together with all her bosses) did not treat me with respect.
and i felt that i deserved to be happy in life.

after quitting, i honestly thought the Universe will conspire to help me focus on my dreams.
it did not.
i did not get the film grant that would have allowed me to be an artist and create something beautiful.

so what happens after both your True Dream and Manufactured Dream (read: professional career expected of a college grad) dissolves?

one questions everything.
then, one falls into despair.

so after not knowing what to do next in my life,
i just snapped.

one night,
inside my bedroom, located in the attic of our new house,
i suddenly felt angry at God.
no words uttered.
in my head, i told him he was a piece of shit.
because he does not reward people who are brave enough to pursue their dreams.

after all that intense anger and blasphemy,
i somehow started crying.
a quiet but very deep-seated sob.
i told God that i just needed a break.
that i deserve to be helped.
because this world needs people who are in a niche where they are happy.
and where their talents are expressed and appreciated.
because only then can they be of service to others.

i told him that all i needed was a job that i can be creative.
and one that did not force me to wake up so early.
i added that it must be something to do with brainstorming creative ideas because that was something easy to me.
although i was pretty sure that there was not a job out there that paid someone to just think.

apparently there was.

a month after that drama,
i got a call from an ex-colleague.
he said the TV station that owns the film outfit where i resigned is forming a Creative Think Tank.
composed of 10 young individuals whose only job was to think of new shows, films, media ideas, etc.

after an initial interview, i got the job.

and that was the happiest two career years of my life.

now i am in the US.
my new home.
and from my bedroom window i see the moon again.

this is not a story about converting you to believe in God.
rather, a story about a God-like experience.

this latest appearance of the moon as an omen is very comforting.
i again felt safe in this world.

the days that followed were not easy.
the same mental demons tormented me.
and they will continue to do so as that is my burden.
until i am able to generate my own mental peace.
and not wait for the moon to do it for me.

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