think small NOT big

i know, when you first saw the title of this post, it probably turned you off.

any reasonably self-aware individual knows that thinking big in life is the way to achieve Dreams.

true.

but thinking small is the key to thinking big.

Thinking Big means being open to your highest potential and highest goals for yourself.

Thinking Small is the process to fulfill those Big Dreams.

to explain:
it means a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

start somewhere.
make that small move.
start from point 1.
followed by 2.
then the next.
pretty soon, one thousand small steps will lead you to the finishing line.

this was huge for me.

i always think of life from a big perspective.
while that part is good, the accompanying tendency to get anxious about how to get there, was bad for my sanity.

so when Wayne Dreyer (a self-help inspirational speaker) was featured on an PBS episode and started talking about the Tao Te-Ching, i knew i had to listen.

he was giving a talk about his new book...
i think the title of his book was Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life.

so today, i finally ended my mental block and my procrastination.

i finished the first draft of my first ever menswear collection.
not just sketches.
but the actual physical samples.

and they look promising.

A.I.

i just saw the film, A.I., two days in a row on television.

and the last parts still had the same emotional impact on me.
i seem to gravitate to films with emotional and profound messages about love and existence.
and this film has both.

there were some parts that i still did not comprehend.
so i did a search on Wikipedia to figure out the plot.

following is my favorite part on that Wikipedia mention:

In a review for The New York Times by A. O. Scott, A.I is described as the "best fairy tale — the most disturbing, complex and intellectually challenging boy's adventure story — Mr. Spielberg has made." He comments on the film's ending:

... For the second time the movie swerves away from where it seemed to be going, and Mr. Spielberg, with breathtaking poise and heroic conviction, risks absurdity in the pursuit of sublimity. The very end somehow fuses the cathartic comfort of infantile wish fulfillment — the dream that the first perfect love whose loss we experience as the fall from Eden might be restored — with a feeling almost too terrible to acknowledge or to name. Refusing to cuddle us or lull us into easy sleep, Mr. Spielberg locates the unspoken moral of all our fairy tales. To be real is to be mortal; to be human is to love, to dream and to perish.

source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artificial_Intelligence:_A.I.

my Testimonials on Friendster

i like the Testimonials aspect of Friendster.
it is a space where people share how they feel and what they really think about you.

these are things they do not normally say.

below are my favorite ones...

from Carlo, my younger brother:

Carlo Inigo
Posted 03/03/2007 06:32 AM

My brother, Kuya Kris. He doesn't want to be called a genius but I do call him that behind his back. I even tell my friends that his intellect is beyond us mortals. That is to say that I'm so proud of him and being his sibling that I brag about him to others.

These are not empty praises. He really thinks differently and has motivated me everytime I speak to him. I have run to him during the few crossroads in my life and has provided the only advice amongst many that I have followed.

I admire and envy his accomplishments , making me strive harder in my own tribulations.

from my ex-co worker Jon:

Jon
Posted 09/07/2004 08:12 AM

All day long, Kristian sits behind me, his calm, pleasant voice wooing customers and calming angry callers. I am so pleased that my own clothing choice has made a blip, albeit minor, in his ever-active radar of cutting edge fashion critique and design. Some day, when Galliano and Dior are only shadows of the House of Kristian Cruz, I'll say I knew him when... For now, I'll be pleased to work with such a charming, upbeat, introspective lad with mainly impeccable movie taste. His interest in culture and art serves as an inspiration to me, as we commisurate over our continued quest for knowledge and creativity.

from my ex-boss, Francis:

Francis xavier
Posted 07/22/2004 8:56 PM

I had always believed that Kristian is destined for greater things. Just look into his eyes and you will see the passion of doing the impossible. I will surely miss our talks over mango shake, pita bread and shawarma-- about life, about our dreams, or even about "Klasmeyts." I surely hope to see his fashion empire in the future. He has always regarded me as his "guru" but I also learned a lot from him. He is a complete person, sharing his completeness with the universe. I know the whole universe will conspire to make your lofty dreams a reality. God bless.

from a former classmate at French 2 class:

Theodore
Posted 07/04/2004 12:50 AM

Grabe, bow ako sa creativity ng taong to! A true artist! Di ko pa rin makakalimutan ang pinagawa nya sa grupo namin sa French class nung college. Pina-avant garde fashion show ba naman kami wearing self-designed apparel made of black trash bags! :) Hanggang ngayon, sabi ni Mademoiselle Ventanilla, pinaka-da best pa rin yung group presentation naming yun. Pero me kajologan din tong si Tian eh. Hehehe. Spice Girls fan to dati. Peace! :D

in 5 days, i shall delete my whole Friendster profile.

may i never forget how important I am and how important i was to people.

my Friendster profile

i made an announcement.
i am deleting my Friendster account.

below is a copy of my profile:

i was reluctant to join Friendster for fear that i'm too much of an introvert.

most of my friends are here though which is incentive enough to give it a try.

i exude an air of extreme arrogance, yet in reality modest in most aspects. with a seeming air of aloofness, though sociable and charismatic when the trust is established. extremely serious but crazy enough to be called the life of the party. known to ponder on life's meaning too intensely but really grounded enough to enjoy a brainless TV show.

being authentic is extremely important to me. more than being liked by people. but, i believe authenticity must be balanced with kindness.

to sum it up, i am true to myself and try to be kind to other people. the other details will have to be supplied by what others will write about me :)

as a shortcut, you can watch the film, Garden State, and think of the lead guy as an extremely accurate portrayal of my character tone.

Who I Want to Meet:

i'd love to meet entrepreneurs and creative visionaries here. i have great admiration for people who want to start their own business or those with enough vision to change the world for the better.

and... the Dalai Lama. wisdom will always be the new black.

with the recent addition of: Oliver Heath (creative genius !!!)

it's my fault

the break-up was my fault.

this was my painful but much needed epiphany after casually browsing the book,
The Life You Were Born to Live.

it said, upon analysis of my Life Number,
i expect betrayal in life.
and because i secretly expect it, it ends up happening me.

the guy i loved dumped me without me knowing it.
and was having another relationship, again, without me knowing it.

the reason he gave me:
because i was always elusive.

it is painfully true.

while we can argue that he was an asshole,
i think it is an easy cop out by putting all the blame on him.

any self-aware individual knows that we are responsible in creating our circumstances, either on a conscious or unconscious level.

according to the book,
i expect betrayal because i secretly distrust the universe.
and, this is of course rooted within, a secret distrust of my self.

and because of this distrust, i withdrew from him.
afraid of exposing my shadow self, the things i did not trust and like about myself.

i should have trusted him with more of myself.

but, it was too late.

the break-up did open my eyes to a greater truth.
but it came at the expense of that relationship.
although i seriously doubt that it was relationship in the first place.

it was my fault.

so now, the next stage of healing can finally begin.

the Bag

today, my Dream was attacked.

or, at least i perceived it as an attack.

a senior co-worker of mine joked, for the third time, why i had such a big everyday work bag.

it was a fashionable bag.
but maybe not so common for men.

the fashion editors at In Style magazine loved it.
i guess the straight men do not.

everyone was at the elevator.

and i walked in.

and that was the first thing he joked about.

i defended it, of course.
in a detached manner at first.
then, with humor.

now, i regret not attacking more.

because, he attacked my dream.
and no one has the right to do that.

lessons for the next

my friend Cherrie's first child, Jade, just turned one.
and she had a great concept for a gift.

her closest friends (and me being a godfather) would fill up a Life Questionnaire for baby Jade to read when he grows up.

here are my answers:

The three most important things you should remember in life are:
1) you are responsible for and literally capable of creating and shaping your reality beginning with the power of your thought
2) do what you love and money will follow
3) your life will either expand or contract depending on your courage

20 yrs from now, I wish Jade…
1) will take his self-awareness seriously and take the time and effort to know who he is, his talents, the best career for him, where his happiness lies
2) will be happy, wealthy and successful on his own first before entering a relationship
3) willl remember life is short

To impress a girl that you like …
1) be yourself and nothing else… because it will be harder to sustain a lie in the long run
2) be happy with your own life first… the day you can say ‘ I Love my Job’ is the day you are ready for a healthy relationship
3) is to ask if she is happy with her life, if not, stay away

The most important lesson I learned in life is …
1) I am responsible for the my life and the reality I am in… both the good and the bad… and I have the power to change it
2) I need to be happy, complete and successful on my own first before entering a relationship
3) I have the right to say No

Falling in love is …
1) the best sensation in the world, completely unexpected, definitely powerful, although extremely overwhelming
2) a phenomenon that brings out all your insecurities and demons, hopefully you’ve healed them before that time
3) a feeling that is seasonal, the one you love has the right to leave you

The things you need to consider in choosing a career are …
1) Natural talents – do you have the inborn skills to do it and be great at it? Yes, things can be learned. But genius and excellence cannot.
2) Natural joy – do you really like doing it? If not, you are wasting years of your life
3) Evolution – will it make you a better person? Better world?

on the day of my death, these are the same things i will utter for the current generation as well as the generations after that.

2 songs

i am obsessed with two songs right now:
1) Requiem for a Dream
2) The Chairman's Waltz

i've been replaying both on YouTube.

Requiem for a Dream song, via the trailer of the film, The Fountain as well as the trailer of the film of the same name. Both films are by a brilliant director i've almost forgotten about... Darren Aronofsky.

it makes me want to return from my exile from film.
if i am to direct a film in the future, it will be as emotionally visual as his work.

The Chairman's Waltz, via an episode of the dance competition / TV show So You Think You Can Dance. The one featuring 'Jamie and Hok, Jazz. (when typed on the search field).

i remember how great i was choreographing interpretative group speeches and dances.

so, with two songs, i touch two of my passions that are so different from each other: film and artistic performance.

both come from the same core:

i am Creative.

The Fountain

just watched the end of the film, The Fountain.

i cannot say that i understand the film completely now.
but i found it extremely emotional.
it's like, i can only understand it emotionally.
and not meant to be understood intellectually.

just like what i think the film teaches:

you cannot understand life.
nor control it.
nor consume it.
nor prolong it.

you can only live Life.
and you live it by valuing every moment.
and the precious memory each moment gives us.

all we have is the Present Moment.
right now.
right here.

it is the flower in front of you.
the smell of the grass.
the sound of leaves slightly moved by the wind.
the face of your infatuation in front of you.
and the unexpected hug from an ex.

right there and then, that is Life.
so stop and feel it completely.
because in an instant, the second and minute hands move.
and the moment is gone.

hopefully it was pleasant.

kindest gesture

i had a fight with my best friend yesterday.
i was convinced that he was dumb.
and i mean that in a mental capacity kind of way.

then, as i was watching TV, i remembered that i would not have a TV in the first place if he did not give me one.

four years ago...
during my first job at an American company, i was severely mistreated.
like i was a third class citizen.
my job description was that of a Marketing Assistant.
but, in reality, i was doing the chores of an underpaid low-class errand boy.

maybe to make her conscience clearer, my boss gave me a used TV one day.
mind you, i started in the US with no television.
i was that poor.

yes, now i realize that a victim is only a victim by choice.
he becomes one when permission is given to his victimizer to treat him unjustly.
we consciously or unconsciously teach people how to treat us.
but during that time, i have not learned that lesson yet.

when i finally took control of my life and my power and my Voice, i resigned.
on the same day i confirmed i was accepted at another job.

that stupid woman boss somehow felt taken advantage of.
i heard she was furious upon learning of my resignation.
what a fucking warped sense of reality, really.
to think she is under the impression that she was the one abused here.

she was at her posh country home when i resigned.
she heard about it from my immediate supervisor, a fat man with no spine who kissed her ass.

over the phone, she instructed my supervisor to tell me to return the TV.

so, right there and then, full of anger, i left the office and went home.
got the TV she gave me from the alleged kindness of her heart.
paid for an expensive cab ride back to the office.
handed it to my immediate supervisor.
said goodbye to my co-workers.
and left.

for 3 days after that, i did not have TV again.
then out of the blue, my best friend calls me.
he made a surprise drive to my area.

announcing that i should go downstairs to help him with something.
as i approached his car, from the trunk, i see him take out a brand new TV.

back to the present, out of the blue, i called him to thank him for his kind gesture 4 years ago.

i am sure he felt warmed by that.

here we go again

i am so affected after reading a few more chapters of Veronika Decides to Die.

when it started talking about Impossible Love.
and how we fantasize of lost loves and, like a movie, review and rewind memories of a love that used to be sweet.

although i have gotten better about it,
what the book said still hurt.

then i encounter a quote in my Yahoo Inbox saying the following:

It is impossible to win the race unless you venture to run, impossible to win the victory unless you dare to battle.
~Richard M. DeVos~

which was so timely since i was hesitating from taking an opportunity to get a higher position and better paying job.

i feel my life is moving forward again.
and that scares me.

Veronika Decides to Die

so my friend Crissy is staying with me.
and before she left for a quick trip to Washington DC, we had one of those talks.

in summary, she talked to me like no one has talked to me before.
we were not really close in the past.
but she pointed some things about me that only a true friend could:

1) that i needed to go out more and stop being so serious about everything
2) that my world (and my life) is a bit small
3) why my existence was so lonely, despite my defense that it was self-imposed and motivated by business focus
4) that i was always stressed
5) and she was afraid that i'll end up being lonely

of course, i listened to it defensively.
because i know i understood myself better (being self-aware and all).

but two days from that discussion, i found myself bothered by everything she said.
because her suggestions made sense.
because she was correct.

then the day she left for Washington, i found her book in the bathroom.
Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho.
i read it the night before she left and told her that the first chapter hurt.
and only things that contain wisdom and truth can hurt me this much.

it was thoughtful of her to leave it for me for the time being.

i read it on my way to work.

and early into the book, the lead character talked about conforming to the normal life expected of us: that begins with an alarm clock, going to work, eating your lunch sandwich, going back to work, hanging out with friends after work, going to bed, to wake up to the sound of the alarm clock, and repeat cycle.

i've been struggling with a career dilemma recently.
whether to start looking for jobs that are higher in pay.

i am happy with my current job right now.
completely peaceful, non-stressful, they leave me alone, the pay is more than reasonable and i still get home with enough energy to dream.

i do not know how i feel about this career move yet.
but i intend to be more careful... not to get into the vicious cycle of a life ruled by the alarm clock.

hopefully, there will come a point when i do wake to do the sound of my alarm clock, i will be happy for another day ahead of me.

motive

this quote sums up my motive behind why i do the things i do:

I am certain that after the dust of centuries has passed over our cities, we, too, will be remembered not for victories or defeats in battle or in politics, but for our contribution to the human spirit.

~John F. Kennedy~

great quote

"Be yourself,everyone else is taken."

O.Wilde

who are you not to be?

Favorite quote.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"

Marianne Williamson

dance seductively

i was at my friend Issah's wedding last Sunday.

it was so much fun.
actually, it was the most fun i had in years.

i surprised myself:
apparently i can be completely carefree and capable of joy.
and not give a shit about what other people think.
and be completely irreverent for the sake of a good time.

i was so convinced that i was an extreme introvert.
but as soon as the dancing started, i was one of the first on the dance floor.
and danced seductively in front of a gasping crowd made up of the older generation filled with an equally old set of inhibitions.

i knew i had charisma and magnetism.
but i did not expect to have that much.
enough to thaw even the most shy and introverted from the crowd.
enough to prompt them to start having a good time.

something happened that day.

i now find myself more carefree.
days after that Sunday.

may i never lose this personal freedom.

Made in China

i am still bothered by a PBS documentary i saw 2 hours ago.

i believe the title was Brutal Work.
a documentary chronicling the life of a Chinese girl working at a jeans sewing factory.
it begins with a glimpse of her life in a rural province, then...

leaves home, journeys to the city, applies for a job at a sewing factory, gets accepted, learns the ropes, struggles, fights for the wages due her, then ends with her conscious decision to continue working there.

it was difficult for me to see because i own my own company.
i too create products to sell here in the States.
produced in Asia... but in the Philippines, not in China.

which made me question this whole culture of consumerism and consumption.

people here in the States spend so much money on fashion.
fashion that will inevitably become disposable.
since we tire of fashion so quickly.

i just feel bad that we can easily tire of a garment that someone sacrificed so much to create.

not just that.
so much money spent for that same garment.
and so so little paid to the person who made it.

last Christmas, i told the printing factory who printed our gift wrap paper to hold a party for everyone, thanking them for all their effort and help with the year's production. i wired money to my Mom and she threw a party filled with food and gifts for everyone. i checked with my parents also whether the workers were treated fairly. according to her, they were.

i do not know how this behemoth of Chinese manufacturing can be stopped.
i am not even sure if it can be stopped or whether it should be stopped.
it would be hypocritical for us to call for its halt considering we benefit from it so much.

i just hope someone out there can devise of a model that will make it a Win-Win situation for all 3 parties: the company outsourcing the production, the factory manufacturing and finally the employee doing the actual labor.

as much as i want to, my spiritual mission and talent are not in the field of global politics, management and economics. nor is my life one that is marked naturally and inherently by an activist nature.

someone out there must surely know how to solve it.
may he or she wake up to this mission sooner than later.

last question

this Sunday morning, i woke up early thinking it was Monday.
that i was late for work.

thankfully i realized my mistake.

my first instinct was to open the television.
despite my need for more silence in life.

i chanced upon the movie, Serendipity.
prompting me to quickly change the channel.

romantic films annoy me.
maybe because they reveal my loneliness.
or, maybe because they unearth the pain from a breakup two years ago.
or, really, perhaps because they simply are corny and inaccurate representations of falling in love.

so, several channels later,
as i was surfing mindlessly through several buttons,
i encountered Serendipity once more.

this time, it was ending.
so i thought about seeing the last parts of the film, for the humor of it.

the male sidekick was consoling the lead character about his choice of calling off the wedding.

the sidekick said:
the Greeks do not have obituaries.
but when a person dies, they only have One Question.
did that person have Passion?

after that,
the sidekick gave the lead a letter.
then their paths separated.

over a voice-over,
the contents of the letter were revealed to the audience.

it was composed as an obituary:
here lies a man who died pursuing his soul mate.
but, he utterly failed.
and died of a broken heart.
but in the last moments before his death, his friends described him as having a certain clarity.

you must watch the movie.
this voice-over in the last part was so good.
and definitely better than what i am trying to paraphrase.

and so,
if the Greeks were to ask me this question before i die.
if i did have Passion?

i would say, Yes.

how about you?

DUMBO

today was a rainy Spring Saturday.
extremely unfortunate since, after a long work week, i needed this weekend to be exceptionally special.

i invited my business partner / best friend to tour an emerging area of Brooklyn with me.

we drove to DUMBO.
it is the neighborhood Down Under the Manhattan Brooklyn Overpass.
meaning, under the bridge connecting the cities of Manhattan and Brooklyn.

imagine several abandoned warehouses and factories converted into lofts and hip boutiques. with cobblestone streets. redbrick decayed buildings. overlooking the river.

on this rainy day, the area was fairly abandoned.
maybe it was the rain.
or maybe, regardless of the rain, it was still not as busy as i expected it to be.

hence, the beauty.
so much silence.
and so much emerging beauty.
amidst all the decaying architecture.

that is why i like fashion and design so much.
because of their Promise of Renewal and their Reminders of Beauty.
amidst all the ugliness of the world, a person confronted with a beautiful piece of clothing or design will see God.

later that day, i saw a white zip-up jacket from a store i've never visited but always passed by. called American Apparel.

i walked in with my friend.
and there i saw a low-priced unique white jacket made from Tyvek paper, the same durable and tear-proof material used for postal envelopes.

for just 28 dollars, i experienced God.
for Joy is a slice of God.

and i never would have seen this jacket if i chose to see the same things in my life all over again. and if did not decide to venture into neighborhoods that were new to me.

thom browne

i took my lunch break from my day job at a top magazine...
and walked along my usual route - Rockefeller Center.

on my way to Barnes & Noble,
i saw Thom Browne.

he is, as of the moment of this writing, the most influential menswear designer in NY.
he was wearing his signature aesthetic - a formal men's suit cut unconventionally and unsafely short.

imagine pants cut shorter - with one's socks and shoes definitely showing.

i wanted to ask for his autograph.
but, unfortunately, this was the only day that i did not bring my red pen and journal.

so here he was,
my omen - walking in real life.

an Omen of my dream walking away from me.
and so i followed.

abandoning the possibility of gaining an autograph,
i followed him as far as i could.
and basked in the moment and the experience.

before letting him go,
i told myself that i was on the right path.
in my belief that my next step in life is menswear.

films that made me cry:

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Garden State
Brokeback Mountain
Contact
Sideways
The Queen
Under the Tuscan Sun
The Namesake

by the way,
i am listening to the song, Such Great Heights, as i am composing this list.

the song feels so sad, authentic, sincere and hopeful all at the same time.

pretty much like the films listed above.
that is why, despite my passion for men's fashion, i don't think i will ever lose my quiet love for film as a medium.

films are big omens in my life.
the right film always comes along whenever i feel lost in life.
mostly whenever i need to heal a certain pain.

only film has the power to make me cry.
the only other thing is a broken heart.

i now honestly think that we cannot heal a broken heart from a failed relationship.
no matter how much we move on or tell things to ourselves to help us move on.

i now believe that, as bad as it may sound, only a new romantic relationship can cure a previous pain.

not that we need to jump into a new relationship immediately after the dissolution of a previous one... just to heal a current pain...

maybe it is just me,
but some pain from my ex still hurts whenever i hear a sad song.
or see a romantic film or tv show.

i am mentally over it.
and my life has not stopped just to grieve about it.
nor do i put my life goals on hold while waiting to get over it.

i am now doing my dreams in life.
it is just sad that the relationship had to end just so that i can evolve to be a better person... so i can be ready for my dreams in life.

a friend told me that the key to getting over someone is to imagine the scenario as if the relationship still continued even if things were extremely rocky and negative.

i thought about it...

and concluded that even if our relationship survived and continued,
it would be so emotionally difficult for both my significant other and myself.

because being an emotional mess during that time,
i would have been a burden to him.

and he would be a constant savior to me.
and i would never have learned to stand on my own feet.
and come to my own as an individual.

so my friend was correct.
imagining this scenario was helpful.
because it gave the conclusion that the break-up was best for both parties.

my friend added that one must question whether the break-up was beneficial to the evolution of the parties involved.

in my case, yes.
i just wished that he was still around to experience my better self.

i asked for a second chance during that time.
and he said no.

as sad as it may be,
my better self perhaps is meant to be reserved for the next one.

best dinner

so this is the last night that my television and internet are cut off because of non-payment

to pass the time,
i went to a nearby McDonalds to grab a late-night dinner.
this was after a trip to the bookstore (also to pass the time).

i went to the cashier.
and an African-American woman behind the register immediately asked if i was going to get the usual, a medium iced coffee - vanilla.

after ordering the same thing from them several times, and her being the cashier most of the time... i must admit that her gesture (her remembering what i liked) warmed me deeply.

first,
it dispels the judgment that African American folks are rough, rude and impolite.
people like her is what their community needs to uplift their tarnished image and reputation.

second,
it is nice to see a genuine act of kindness from a place where you least expect it.

my happiness is simple.
a bucket of Kentucky's Fried Chicken.
McDonalds iced coffee.
creative men's fashion (no matter how cheap).
a good film,
a good TV show.

and this girl valued my happiness.

i do hope that someone will value her happiness too.

i ate my dinner there alone.
but felt comforted by the fact that there are other people around me.
i am an extreme introvert.
and value being alone.
but this whole time of being alone in an apartment with no television and internet broke my heart.
even though the silence was beneficial, considering all the life insights i've gained...
it was still a rough 4 days.

and the strangers around me,
that i usually hate for being too loud,
somehow felt welcome.

amidst the silence of being alone at my table,
i viewed the people around me with detached fascination.

a few tables occupied at 10:30pm.
and here we all were.
perhaps we all felt lonely at our respective apartments.
and just needed to get out of the house and establish some form of human contact.

in front of me were two old women eating chicken nuggets.
chatting sparsely.
shallow conversation mostly.

i hope i do not grow old alone.
and hope that i still have people in my life, decades from now, to share a meal with.

which makes me think:
maybe this is the reason why most of my aunts are grumpy.
a mixture of anger over lost opportunities, wrong life decisions and finally, a looming but hidden fear of growing a lot more older alone.

it is indeed a scary thought.

hopefully i remember to be more compassionate to them when i wake up.

my future film

even though fashion is my next path.
the poet in me begs for some expression in film.

i have long solved this dilemma of focus in life.

i used to be afraid of becoming a cliche:
Jack of All Trades and Master of None

as well as fearful of the constant reminder of society:
that to be successful, one must choose to focus.

i agree with the need for focus.
but only as a method for pursuing goals.
meaning, focus and execute one goal at a time.

but i disagree with the need to focus on only one path in life.
paths in life change.
and we are obliged to honor our spiritual evolution.
evolution comes first.
so if life asks us to change life directions in an effort to make us better, happier or more meaningful individuals, i feel that we must do so.

i have tons of film ideas.
but 2 come to mind when i am ready to do a short film once again.
both are very emotional concepts.

which really mirror what my creativity is all about.
be it fashion, film, writing or packaging... all are essentially creative, personal and emotional at the same time.

i can be edgy.
but it must be personal and emotional.

i can be humorous and irreverent.
but it must be personal and emotional.

i had an omen recently.
as i was going through an interior design magazine,
i came across a feature on Laura Faggioni, the set designer of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind... one of my all time favorite films.

the editorial page showed elements of both fashion and film.
so this was too coincidental ... hence an omen in nature.
love the fashion the model was wearing.
and love the set design.
and love what was written about Laura and her work on the film.

which reminded me of who i really was as an artist.
creative, extremely unique but personal and emotional.

this reminder was so timely.
because my full-time job was increasingly changing me into a corporate robot.

as if that was not enough,
i encountered an article about a men's fashion designer i admired.
from another magazine.

this designer closely paralleled how i thought about fashion and life in general.
the editorial wrote something about the designer's personality.
he said that his friends had difficulty with him because he took life and everything else so seriously.

this was important for me to read because recently i experienced more and more isolated.
as if i was going through something so difficult that no one could understand.

the editorial continued with the designer saying that it was ok with him.
because Meaning is more important than everything else.
that he needed to make sure what he is doing has meaning to him.

he said it so perfectly.
that i began feeling comfortable with who i really am.
quirks and all.
because the article implied that he, after all, meant well.

a GAP coat holds the key to Happiness

today, i got a green but artistically edgy GAP winter coat.
the weather is warmer.
but i still got it.
it was a coat i've been silently desiring for some time.
but in the past decided it was a bit expensive and not really essential considering the price of 98 dollars.

yesterday, i saw that it was on sale.
the price went down to 25 dollars.
that made me ecstatic.
but unfortunately the size was too big.
only 6 pieces were left and all of them were XL.
i decided to buy one.
despite being disappointed by the size.

back at home, i decided to give it to my business partner who dropped by for a visit.
he deserves more gifts in life.
he is one of the kindest souls on this planet.
and kind souls deserve more incentive to continue to be kind.
so i gave it to him.

the next day,
i decided to return a pair of pants, same place where i got this coat.
throughout the whole trip, i resigned myself to the fact that i would have to buy this coat on eBay, where i saw my size (Extra Small) being sold for 70 dollars.
the only one left with my size.

surprise of all surprises,
i see the same coat, Extra Small, 3 remaining pairs on a coat rack.
with the discounted price of 25 dollars.
i of course purchased it without hesitation.

after several days of experiencing no television and internet at my apartment (because i did not have enough money to pay the bill for the month - see previous blog entry)...
i needed this miracle.

throughout the silence of an apartment with no sound,
i sifted through thoughts about my next step in life.
fashion is definitely next.
but it does scare me a little.

and with this GAP coat in the bag,
i knew i was being nudged towards this direction.

i went home.
and immediately wore it.

unlike many social-climbing fashion elites,
i sincerely am a happier person when great fashion is experienced.
at a very deep creative level, life gains meaning when i see a piece of men's clothing artfully done.
the best way of describing it is like seeing God for the first time.

i wore it the whole night.
and am still wearing it as i type this blog entry.

the rawness of my body reaction to this coat indicates what is truly obvious.
that i love men's fashion.
and what i authentically love is what should be authentically pursue.

seek your Joy.
all omens remind us of this.

turn the phone off (as well as Life's ringer)

so i blew my budget to help out a friend at a crossroad in her life
she snapped emotionally
so i pulled all the stops and used my remaining budget to offer her comfort

she will never know the consequence of what i did
and have no intention of boasting about it to anyone or to her directly

needless to say,
i had both my cable TV and phone bill suspended because of that financial help.

and i am typing this blog entry without going online.
composing instead on my desktop sticky note program.

imagine a world without television and internet for four days.
trust me, it is hard.
i am thankful to my business partner who kept me company for two days.
he dropped by around 9pm and offered me a bite to eat until 12 midnight.
for 2 days only.

it is now the midnight between Thursday and Friday.
and had no form of media since Tuesday.
missed all my favorite TV shows for the week.
as well as my favorite websites.

yes, i took my television and internet for granted.
but that is not the core realization.

the core insight is:
i've been hiding behind all this Noise for a long time.
unconsciously afraid of confronting certain thoughts in my head.

the peak of the pain happened the first night of forced Silence.
inside a white walled apartment room, in 3 hours, i thought of every possible regret and shameful experience left unexplored.

from my ex.
and what went wrong.
and what i did wrong.
and how, even if i ask for forgiveness and a second chance, it will never be.

to an intense fear of what is ultimately going to happen next in my life.

in between were thoughts so random.
and so varied.
and so fleetingly quick in succession.
around 2 seconds in duration.

like a window view from a speeding train, passing by a dark sleeping rural town.

that night,
most of my thoughts were dark.
nothing suicidal.
but definitely filed with intense despair, fear and doubt.

what i found strange was the lack of anger directed towards anyone.
but rather, an intense anger directed towards myself.
which makes me wonder,
could all human anger be mere projections of anger towards one's self?

in my case, it was.
i was so angry at myself for being less than ideal.

for being an emotional mess during the time i met my ex.
for being a cruel person to the significant other i am currently dating.
for being hormonally depressed.

so i sat there on my bed, giving all these thoughts and emotions the chance to run their course.
they deserve the light of day after all, considering the prison they've been in.

around 2am,
the height of all that darkness just lifted.

it was as if nothing else was left to purge.

what followed was not peace.
nor goodness.
nor light.

what followed was so neutral.
it was Silence.

my mind was finally silent for a full 30 minutes.
there was nothing more to Think.
every possible scenario (false or real) was sufficiently chewed and digested.

so i just laid there on my bed.
enjoying the silence that was so rare in my life.

i then noticed a light peeping from my bedroom window.
peeping from a small exposed corner left unblocked by my yellow window curtain.

it was a sliver of light from a full moon.
this can make you puke, i am sure.
don't worry, this is not meant to be romantic or cinematic.

but this event carries so much significance to me.
because the moon has been a life Omen to me since i was young.
and only made an appearance three times in my life.

i remember being 9 years old.
inside my dad's first car.
he came home one night, in our very first rented apartment.
announcing that he finally got a job.
that came with a company car with it.
and we took our very first ride.
went out for dinner.
on the way, i saw the Moon above, on a clear night sky.

and noticed that the Moon was following us.
i asked my parents:
why was the Moon following our car?

no matter where we turned,
it was there.
my parents never answered me.
but i kept on looking.


the second time was the peak of my depression after quitting my first job.
i just resigned from the biggest film company in my home country.
because my boss (together with all her bosses) did not treat me with respect.
and i felt that i deserved to be happy in life.

after quitting, i honestly thought the Universe will conspire to help me focus on my dreams.
it did not.
i did not get the film grant that would have allowed me to be an artist and create something beautiful.

so what happens after both your True Dream and Manufactured Dream (read: professional career expected of a college grad) dissolves?

one questions everything.
then, one falls into despair.

so after not knowing what to do next in my life,
i just snapped.

one night,
inside my bedroom, located in the attic of our new house,
i suddenly felt angry at God.
no words uttered.
in my head, i told him he was a piece of shit.
because he does not reward people who are brave enough to pursue their dreams.

after all that intense anger and blasphemy,
i somehow started crying.
a quiet but very deep-seated sob.
i told God that i just needed a break.
that i deserve to be helped.
because this world needs people who are in a niche where they are happy.
and where their talents are expressed and appreciated.
because only then can they be of service to others.

i told him that all i needed was a job that i can be creative.
and one that did not force me to wake up so early.
i added that it must be something to do with brainstorming creative ideas because that was something easy to me.
although i was pretty sure that there was not a job out there that paid someone to just think.

well...
apparently there was.

a month after that drama,
i got a call from an ex-colleague.
he said the TV station that owns the film outfit where i resigned is forming a Creative Think Tank.
composed of 10 young individuals whose only job was to think of new shows, films, media ideas, etc.

after an initial interview, i got the job.

and that was the happiest two career years of my life.

now i am in the US.
my new home.
and from my bedroom window i see the moon again.

this is not a story about converting you to believe in God.
rather, a story about a God-like experience.

this latest appearance of the moon as an omen is very comforting.
i again felt safe in this world.

the days that followed were not easy.
the same mental demons tormented me.
and they will continue to do so as that is my burden.
until i am able to generate my own mental peace.
and not wait for the moon to do it for me.