Sunday, March 11, 2007

a broken heart challenges enlightenment

so i was struggling back and forth with a broken heart from 2 years ago.
i blamed myself for my ex leaving me behind for someone else...
for not being enough or doing enough and worse, for not being as good as the replacement

this is a long discussion
which i've discussed with myself at length
i've blamed myself for many things
too much perhaps
although some were valid

i was a different person back then
and i must admit, i was an emotional mess
i was not as lovable perhaps
or was difficult to love because i was preoccupied with unhappiness with my job, with poverty and being overwhelmed with the visa process

so my ex found someone else with none of these complications
my ex deserves someone better
all of us do

there was one situation that kept on replaying in my head
he was sick in his apartment
and i did not go to his rescue
i almost did
but was doing overtime at work

i kept on telling myself after the break up that if i did do that
perhaps i could have cemented the relationship deeper
maybe not
back then i believed in the former:
that maybe it could have increased the love and proof for love

it dawned on me that i was a different person back then
i was a mess
and ultimately not ready to love properly

it also dawned on me that if he really did love me
and if he really considered the relationship valuable
whatever shortcoming i did
would have been overlooked
because love and the big picture of the relationship will logically be more valuable

as painful as it is to admit
i did love him more than he did me
because, despite my being unlovable and a mess during that time,
he made a decision to leave
again, he has every right and motive to do so
but, bottom line, he left.
a testimony to the lack of interest to pursue things further.

i do that sometimes
project ideal pictures on situations
and always put people on a good light
these did not serve me on this situation though

suppressing my emotions about this caused me to still be not over it for 2 years
so now i will say it
i still miss him
the only thing that changed is that this time, i no longer blame myself solely for its downfall
and that changes everything

he was not the perfect man that i idealized him to be
or maybe it is not that he fell short or was flawed
or maybe it is
or it can also be as simple as he was not right for me

gradually my mind and heart are now able to remember pieces of that painful memory
and start admitting certain things
a wise man once said that the reasons there are victimizers out there is because there are people who agree to be victims

looking back,
i could have fought for my needs and expressed them clearly
i should have walked away as soon as it was no longer a Win-Win situation
being an emotional mess back then, i lost my personal power and my voice

i promise not to do that in my next relationship
even before reaching that, i am now determined to fix my life first and not be an emotional mess
only by fixing my life first will i have the luxury to share love to another person
not out of need and dependency
this time out of a sincere need and capability to share a part of myself and my success

recently, i allowed myself to confront 4 painful things about the break up that i suppressed for 2 years:
1) he broke up the day after Valentine's Day, which really was a spit on the face
2) he broke up via email
3) he lied by saying that the reason he was physically absent for a month was because he was traveling ... after confronting him about it, the truth was that he was already seeing someone else
4) the most painful thing is that before he allegedly left for this alleged overseas assignment, he claimed that he loved me and that he wanted to take this relationship to the next level by planning long term ... which of course is a lie because of number 3

it does help to take an objective look at the facts of the case, together with the spiritual dimensions and lessons from it

bottom line: he was an asshole
my spiritual core is telling me that this simply means he was just a flawed and human like me
but allow me to be angry and be real for once and simply brand him an asshole with no backbone to even break up properly

i wasn't the only emotional mess after all
but somehow this does not lessen the pain of a break up via email

i've since fixed the 3 problem areas that caused me to be an emotional mess in the first place
too late because the relationship already ended
if only he waited for me to get my shit together then things would have been different
but he did not

i deserve someone who loves me enough to give me second chances
someone who does not abandon another when the times get rough, not out of obligation but out of a deep affinity, concern and friendship

unfortunately, i fixed my life too late for my ex
but fortunately, i fixed my life enough to be a better and equal partner for the next one

he was not the right one for me
and that relationship was not ultimately good for me
and that i deserve better treatment
and that a relationship, like any, must be a Win-Win situation for both parties

so the question is:
why does it take so long for some of us to get this objectively?

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