Sunday, March 11, 2007

where a God is needed

as empowered as i am,
as proactive as i am with goals,
as clear as i am with purpose and destiny,
there is one thing that is beyond my self-sufficiency...

it is divine protection.
one said that with great potential comes an equally great burden.

i am blessed with great imagination, creativity and great sensitivity to Life (metaphysical concepts, ideas, laws and relationships).
with this comes an oversensitivity to things that are Abstract.
as such, there are times that my mind consumes me too much and i get depressed.

i am becoming more honest with my friends now by letting them now that i get depressed sometimes.
they need to know.
because moments like that cause me to withdraw and deal with it.
more of a wave that needs to pass.

i withdraw for only 2 reasons:
1) if i am concentrated on a goal or a dream
2) or, if i feel depressed and my way of protecting others from its negative effects is to cocoon and deal with its complicated depths alone, until it passes

what is stopping me from taking the easy route of taking anti-depressants is the need to be courageous and not escape from the pains of reality and real life

i cannot take a pill for every moment i feel sad
because pain is an inherent part of life

so, i let the depression pass
and it usually does
it takes anywhere between 2 days to 5.

reading the book, Power of Now, was also helpful.
for those who have not read it, i encourage you to do so.

basically, it talks about our Mind, as the main source of all pain, fear and negativity.
the Mind is a great tool capable of great works of art, invention and solutions to global problems
but it is equally a dangerous weapon to oneself and to the world once misused or once it turns unhealthy

my final film project for Experimental Film class made several audience members cry.
i've been known by my classmates as an overly intense filmmaker.
whereas other members of my batch shocked people with Matrix-like camera movements or irreverent humorous characters, i am known as the one whose films are overly quiet.
one that somehow equally quiets the audience that watches it.
i, of course, have my share of critics.
but the few that approach me after a final exam screening of films, telling me how much they were touched by it, makes the whole process (and the criticisms) worth it.

i honesty do not consider myself unhealthy in a psychiatric way
perhaps i am taking on an evolutionary path that is bigger than me
the bigger the potential being reached, the bigger the internal cleansing necessary

it is hard to put into words how difficult it is when i get depressed
it is so negative and dark, so bleak and taunting,
making it so easy to self-destruct.

this is where God's grace enters.
so far, it has protected me from succumbing to it completely
depression drowns a person
i am happy that a God force managed to lift it at just the appropriate moment

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