i am still bothered by a PBS documentary i saw 2 hours ago.
i believe the title was Brutal Work.
a documentary chronicling the life of a Chinese girl working at a jeans sewing factory.
it begins with a glimpse of her life in a rural province, then...
leaves home, journeys to the city, applies for a job at a sewing factory, gets accepted, learns the ropes, struggles, fights for the wages due her, then ends with her conscious decision to continue working there.
it was difficult for me to see because i own my own company.
i too create products to sell here in the States.
produced in Asia... but in the Philippines, not in China.
which made me question this whole culture of consumerism and consumption.
people here in the States spend so much money on fashion.
fashion that will inevitably become disposable.
since we tire of fashion so quickly.
i just feel bad that we can easily tire of a garment that someone sacrificed so much to create.
not just that.
so much money spent for that same garment.
and so so little paid to the person who made it.
last Christmas, i told the printing factory who printed our gift wrap paper to hold a party for everyone, thanking them for all their effort and help with the year's production. i wired money to my Mom and she threw a party filled with food and gifts for everyone. i checked with my parents also whether the workers were treated fairly. according to her, they were.
i do not know how this behemoth of Chinese manufacturing can be stopped.
i am not even sure if it can be stopped or whether it should be stopped.
it would be hypocritical for us to call for its halt considering we benefit from it so much.
i just hope someone out there can devise of a model that will make it a Win-Win situation for all 3 parties: the company outsourcing the production, the factory manufacturing and finally the employee doing the actual labor.
as much as i want to, my spiritual mission and talent are not in the field of global politics, management and economics. nor is my life one that is marked naturally and inherently by an activist nature.
someone out there must surely know how to solve it.
may he or she wake up to this mission sooner than later.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Sunday, May 20, 2007
last question
this Sunday morning, i woke up early thinking it was Monday.
that i was late for work.
thankfully i realized my mistake.
my first instinct was to open the television.
despite my need for more silence in life.
i chanced upon the movie, Serendipity.
prompting me to quickly change the channel.
romantic films annoy me.
maybe because they reveal my loneliness.
or, maybe because they unearth the pain from a breakup two years ago.
or, really, perhaps because they simply are corny and inaccurate representations of falling in love.
so, several channels later,
as i was surfing mindlessly through several buttons,
i encountered Serendipity once more.
this time, it was ending.
so i thought about seeing the last parts of the film, for the humor of it.
the male sidekick was consoling the lead character about his choice of calling off the wedding.
the sidekick said:
the Greeks do not have obituaries.
but when a person dies, they only have One Question.
did that person have Passion?
after that,
the sidekick gave the lead a letter.
then their paths separated.
over a voice-over,
the contents of the letter were revealed to the audience.
it was composed as an obituary:
here lies a man who died pursuing his soul mate.
but, he utterly failed.
and died of a broken heart.
but in the last moments before his death, his friends described him as having a certain clarity.
you must watch the movie.
this voice-over in the last part was so good.
and definitely better than what i am trying to paraphrase.
and so,
if the Greeks were to ask me this question before i die.
if i did have Passion?
i would say, Yes.
how about you?
that i was late for work.
thankfully i realized my mistake.
my first instinct was to open the television.
despite my need for more silence in life.
i chanced upon the movie, Serendipity.
prompting me to quickly change the channel.
romantic films annoy me.
maybe because they reveal my loneliness.
or, maybe because they unearth the pain from a breakup two years ago.
or, really, perhaps because they simply are corny and inaccurate representations of falling in love.
so, several channels later,
as i was surfing mindlessly through several buttons,
i encountered Serendipity once more.
this time, it was ending.
so i thought about seeing the last parts of the film, for the humor of it.
the male sidekick was consoling the lead character about his choice of calling off the wedding.
the sidekick said:
the Greeks do not have obituaries.
but when a person dies, they only have One Question.
did that person have Passion?
after that,
the sidekick gave the lead a letter.
then their paths separated.
over a voice-over,
the contents of the letter were revealed to the audience.
it was composed as an obituary:
here lies a man who died pursuing his soul mate.
but, he utterly failed.
and died of a broken heart.
but in the last moments before his death, his friends described him as having a certain clarity.
you must watch the movie.
this voice-over in the last part was so good.
and definitely better than what i am trying to paraphrase.
and so,
if the Greeks were to ask me this question before i die.
if i did have Passion?
i would say, Yes.
how about you?
Saturday, May 19, 2007
DUMBO
today was a rainy Spring Saturday.
extremely unfortunate since, after a long work week, i needed this weekend to be exceptionally special.
i invited my business partner / best friend to tour an emerging area of Brooklyn with me.
we drove to DUMBO.
it is the neighborhood Down Under the Manhattan Brooklyn Overpass.
meaning, under the bridge connecting the cities of Manhattan and Brooklyn.
imagine several abandoned warehouses and factories converted into lofts and hip boutiques. with cobblestone streets. redbrick decayed buildings. overlooking the river.
on this rainy day, the area was fairly abandoned.
maybe it was the rain.
or maybe, regardless of the rain, it was still not as busy as i expected it to be.
hence, the beauty.
so much silence.
and so much emerging beauty.
amidst all the decaying architecture.
that is why i like fashion and design so much.
because of their Promise of Renewal and their Reminders of Beauty.
amidst all the ugliness of the world, a person confronted with a beautiful piece of clothing or design will see God.
later that day, i saw a white zip-up jacket from a store i've never visited but always passed by. called American Apparel.
i walked in with my friend.
and there i saw a low-priced unique white jacket made from Tyvek paper, the same durable and tear-proof material used for postal envelopes.
for just 28 dollars, i experienced God.
for Joy is a slice of God.
and i never would have seen this jacket if i chose to see the same things in my life all over again. and if did not decide to venture into neighborhoods that were new to me.
extremely unfortunate since, after a long work week, i needed this weekend to be exceptionally special.
i invited my business partner / best friend to tour an emerging area of Brooklyn with me.
we drove to DUMBO.
it is the neighborhood Down Under the Manhattan Brooklyn Overpass.
meaning, under the bridge connecting the cities of Manhattan and Brooklyn.
imagine several abandoned warehouses and factories converted into lofts and hip boutiques. with cobblestone streets. redbrick decayed buildings. overlooking the river.
on this rainy day, the area was fairly abandoned.
maybe it was the rain.
or maybe, regardless of the rain, it was still not as busy as i expected it to be.
hence, the beauty.
so much silence.
and so much emerging beauty.
amidst all the decaying architecture.
that is why i like fashion and design so much.
because of their Promise of Renewal and their Reminders of Beauty.
amidst all the ugliness of the world, a person confronted with a beautiful piece of clothing or design will see God.
later that day, i saw a white zip-up jacket from a store i've never visited but always passed by. called American Apparel.
i walked in with my friend.
and there i saw a low-priced unique white jacket made from Tyvek paper, the same durable and tear-proof material used for postal envelopes.
for just 28 dollars, i experienced God.
for Joy is a slice of God.
and i never would have seen this jacket if i chose to see the same things in my life all over again. and if did not decide to venture into neighborhoods that were new to me.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
thom browne
i took my lunch break from my day job at a top magazine...
and walked along my usual route - Rockefeller Center.
on my way to Barnes & Noble,
i saw Thom Browne.
he is, as of the moment of this writing, the most influential menswear designer in NY.
he was wearing his signature aesthetic - a formal men's suit cut unconventionally and unsafely short.
imagine pants cut shorter - with one's socks and shoes definitely showing.
i wanted to ask for his autograph.
but, unfortunately, this was the only day that i did not bring my red pen and journal.
so here he was,
my omen - walking in real life.
an Omen of my dream walking away from me.
and so i followed.
abandoning the possibility of gaining an autograph,
i followed him as far as i could.
and basked in the moment and the experience.
before letting him go,
i told myself that i was on the right path.
in my belief that my next step in life is menswear.
and walked along my usual route - Rockefeller Center.
on my way to Barnes & Noble,
i saw Thom Browne.
he is, as of the moment of this writing, the most influential menswear designer in NY.
he was wearing his signature aesthetic - a formal men's suit cut unconventionally and unsafely short.
imagine pants cut shorter - with one's socks and shoes definitely showing.
i wanted to ask for his autograph.
but, unfortunately, this was the only day that i did not bring my red pen and journal.
so here he was,
my omen - walking in real life.
an Omen of my dream walking away from me.
and so i followed.
abandoning the possibility of gaining an autograph,
i followed him as far as i could.
and basked in the moment and the experience.
before letting him go,
i told myself that i was on the right path.
in my belief that my next step in life is menswear.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
films that made me cry:
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Garden State
Brokeback Mountain
Contact
Sideways
The Queen
Under the Tuscan Sun
The Namesake
by the way,
i am listening to the song, Such Great Heights, as i am composing this list.
the song feels so sad, authentic, sincere and hopeful all at the same time.
pretty much like the films listed above.
that is why, despite my passion for men's fashion, i don't think i will ever lose my quiet love for film as a medium.
films are big omens in my life.
the right film always comes along whenever i feel lost in life.
mostly whenever i need to heal a certain pain.
only film has the power to make me cry.
the only other thing is a broken heart.
i now honestly think that we cannot heal a broken heart from a failed relationship.
no matter how much we move on or tell things to ourselves to help us move on.
i now believe that, as bad as it may sound, only a new romantic relationship can cure a previous pain.
not that we need to jump into a new relationship immediately after the dissolution of a previous one... just to heal a current pain...
maybe it is just me,
but some pain from my ex still hurts whenever i hear a sad song.
or see a romantic film or tv show.
i am mentally over it.
and my life has not stopped just to grieve about it.
nor do i put my life goals on hold while waiting to get over it.
i am now doing my dreams in life.
it is just sad that the relationship had to end just so that i can evolve to be a better person... so i can be ready for my dreams in life.
a friend told me that the key to getting over someone is to imagine the scenario as if the relationship still continued even if things were extremely rocky and negative.
i thought about it...
and concluded that even if our relationship survived and continued,
it would be so emotionally difficult for both my significant other and myself.
because being an emotional mess during that time,
i would have been a burden to him.
and he would be a constant savior to me.
and i would never have learned to stand on my own feet.
and come to my own as an individual.
so my friend was correct.
imagining this scenario was helpful.
because it gave the conclusion that the break-up was best for both parties.
my friend added that one must question whether the break-up was beneficial to the evolution of the parties involved.
in my case, yes.
i just wished that he was still around to experience my better self.
i asked for a second chance during that time.
and he said no.
as sad as it may be,
my better self perhaps is meant to be reserved for the next one.
Garden State
Brokeback Mountain
Contact
Sideways
The Queen
Under the Tuscan Sun
The Namesake
by the way,
i am listening to the song, Such Great Heights, as i am composing this list.
the song feels so sad, authentic, sincere and hopeful all at the same time.
pretty much like the films listed above.
that is why, despite my passion for men's fashion, i don't think i will ever lose my quiet love for film as a medium.
films are big omens in my life.
the right film always comes along whenever i feel lost in life.
mostly whenever i need to heal a certain pain.
only film has the power to make me cry.
the only other thing is a broken heart.
i now honestly think that we cannot heal a broken heart from a failed relationship.
no matter how much we move on or tell things to ourselves to help us move on.
i now believe that, as bad as it may sound, only a new romantic relationship can cure a previous pain.
not that we need to jump into a new relationship immediately after the dissolution of a previous one... just to heal a current pain...
maybe it is just me,
but some pain from my ex still hurts whenever i hear a sad song.
or see a romantic film or tv show.
i am mentally over it.
and my life has not stopped just to grieve about it.
nor do i put my life goals on hold while waiting to get over it.
i am now doing my dreams in life.
it is just sad that the relationship had to end just so that i can evolve to be a better person... so i can be ready for my dreams in life.
a friend told me that the key to getting over someone is to imagine the scenario as if the relationship still continued even if things were extremely rocky and negative.
i thought about it...
and concluded that even if our relationship survived and continued,
it would be so emotionally difficult for both my significant other and myself.
because being an emotional mess during that time,
i would have been a burden to him.
and he would be a constant savior to me.
and i would never have learned to stand on my own feet.
and come to my own as an individual.
so my friend was correct.
imagining this scenario was helpful.
because it gave the conclusion that the break-up was best for both parties.
my friend added that one must question whether the break-up was beneficial to the evolution of the parties involved.
in my case, yes.
i just wished that he was still around to experience my better self.
i asked for a second chance during that time.
and he said no.
as sad as it may be,
my better self perhaps is meant to be reserved for the next one.
best dinner
so this is the last night that my television and internet are cut off because of non-payment
to pass the time,
i went to a nearby McDonalds to grab a late-night dinner.
this was after a trip to the bookstore (also to pass the time).
i went to the cashier.
and an African-American woman behind the register immediately asked if i was going to get the usual, a medium iced coffee - vanilla.
after ordering the same thing from them several times, and her being the cashier most of the time... i must admit that her gesture (her remembering what i liked) warmed me deeply.
first,
it dispels the judgment that African American folks are rough, rude and impolite.
people like her is what their community needs to uplift their tarnished image and reputation.
second,
it is nice to see a genuine act of kindness from a place where you least expect it.
my happiness is simple.
a bucket of Kentucky's Fried Chicken.
McDonalds iced coffee.
creative men's fashion (no matter how cheap).
a good film,
a good TV show.
and this girl valued my happiness.
i do hope that someone will value her happiness too.
i ate my dinner there alone.
but felt comforted by the fact that there are other people around me.
i am an extreme introvert.
and value being alone.
but this whole time of being alone in an apartment with no television and internet broke my heart.
even though the silence was beneficial, considering all the life insights i've gained...
it was still a rough 4 days.
and the strangers around me,
that i usually hate for being too loud,
somehow felt welcome.
amidst the silence of being alone at my table,
i viewed the people around me with detached fascination.
a few tables occupied at 10:30pm.
and here we all were.
perhaps we all felt lonely at our respective apartments.
and just needed to get out of the house and establish some form of human contact.
in front of me were two old women eating chicken nuggets.
chatting sparsely.
shallow conversation mostly.
i hope i do not grow old alone.
and hope that i still have people in my life, decades from now, to share a meal with.
which makes me think:
maybe this is the reason why most of my aunts are grumpy.
a mixture of anger over lost opportunities, wrong life decisions and finally, a looming but hidden fear of growing a lot more older alone.
it is indeed a scary thought.
hopefully i remember to be more compassionate to them when i wake up.
to pass the time,
i went to a nearby McDonalds to grab a late-night dinner.
this was after a trip to the bookstore (also to pass the time).
i went to the cashier.
and an African-American woman behind the register immediately asked if i was going to get the usual, a medium iced coffee - vanilla.
after ordering the same thing from them several times, and her being the cashier most of the time... i must admit that her gesture (her remembering what i liked) warmed me deeply.
first,
it dispels the judgment that African American folks are rough, rude and impolite.
people like her is what their community needs to uplift their tarnished image and reputation.
second,
it is nice to see a genuine act of kindness from a place where you least expect it.
my happiness is simple.
a bucket of Kentucky's Fried Chicken.
McDonalds iced coffee.
creative men's fashion (no matter how cheap).
a good film,
a good TV show.
and this girl valued my happiness.
i do hope that someone will value her happiness too.
i ate my dinner there alone.
but felt comforted by the fact that there are other people around me.
i am an extreme introvert.
and value being alone.
but this whole time of being alone in an apartment with no television and internet broke my heart.
even though the silence was beneficial, considering all the life insights i've gained...
it was still a rough 4 days.
and the strangers around me,
that i usually hate for being too loud,
somehow felt welcome.
amidst the silence of being alone at my table,
i viewed the people around me with detached fascination.
a few tables occupied at 10:30pm.
and here we all were.
perhaps we all felt lonely at our respective apartments.
and just needed to get out of the house and establish some form of human contact.
in front of me were two old women eating chicken nuggets.
chatting sparsely.
shallow conversation mostly.
i hope i do not grow old alone.
and hope that i still have people in my life, decades from now, to share a meal with.
which makes me think:
maybe this is the reason why most of my aunts are grumpy.
a mixture of anger over lost opportunities, wrong life decisions and finally, a looming but hidden fear of growing a lot more older alone.
it is indeed a scary thought.
hopefully i remember to be more compassionate to them when i wake up.
my future film
even though fashion is my next path.
the poet in me begs for some expression in film.
i have long solved this dilemma of focus in life.
i used to be afraid of becoming a cliche:
Jack of All Trades and Master of None
as well as fearful of the constant reminder of society:
that to be successful, one must choose to focus.
i agree with the need for focus.
but only as a method for pursuing goals.
meaning, focus and execute one goal at a time.
but i disagree with the need to focus on only one path in life.
paths in life change.
and we are obliged to honor our spiritual evolution.
evolution comes first.
so if life asks us to change life directions in an effort to make us better, happier or more meaningful individuals, i feel that we must do so.
i have tons of film ideas.
but 2 come to mind when i am ready to do a short film once again.
both are very emotional concepts.
which really mirror what my creativity is all about.
be it fashion, film, writing or packaging... all are essentially creative, personal and emotional at the same time.
i can be edgy.
but it must be personal and emotional.
i can be humorous and irreverent.
but it must be personal and emotional.
i had an omen recently.
as i was going through an interior design magazine,
i came across a feature on Laura Faggioni, the set designer of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind... one of my all time favorite films.
the editorial page showed elements of both fashion and film.
so this was too coincidental ... hence an omen in nature.
love the fashion the model was wearing.
and love the set design.
and love what was written about Laura and her work on the film.
which reminded me of who i really was as an artist.
creative, extremely unique but personal and emotional.
this reminder was so timely.
because my full-time job was increasingly changing me into a corporate robot.
as if that was not enough,
i encountered an article about a men's fashion designer i admired.
from another magazine.
this designer closely paralleled how i thought about fashion and life in general.
the editorial wrote something about the designer's personality.
he said that his friends had difficulty with him because he took life and everything else so seriously.
this was important for me to read because recently i experienced more and more isolated.
as if i was going through something so difficult that no one could understand.
the editorial continued with the designer saying that it was ok with him.
because Meaning is more important than everything else.
that he needed to make sure what he is doing has meaning to him.
he said it so perfectly.
that i began feeling comfortable with who i really am.
quirks and all.
because the article implied that he, after all, meant well.
the poet in me begs for some expression in film.
i have long solved this dilemma of focus in life.
i used to be afraid of becoming a cliche:
Jack of All Trades and Master of None
as well as fearful of the constant reminder of society:
that to be successful, one must choose to focus.
i agree with the need for focus.
but only as a method for pursuing goals.
meaning, focus and execute one goal at a time.
but i disagree with the need to focus on only one path in life.
paths in life change.
and we are obliged to honor our spiritual evolution.
evolution comes first.
so if life asks us to change life directions in an effort to make us better, happier or more meaningful individuals, i feel that we must do so.
i have tons of film ideas.
but 2 come to mind when i am ready to do a short film once again.
both are very emotional concepts.
which really mirror what my creativity is all about.
be it fashion, film, writing or packaging... all are essentially creative, personal and emotional at the same time.
i can be edgy.
but it must be personal and emotional.
i can be humorous and irreverent.
but it must be personal and emotional.
i had an omen recently.
as i was going through an interior design magazine,
i came across a feature on Laura Faggioni, the set designer of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind... one of my all time favorite films.
the editorial page showed elements of both fashion and film.
so this was too coincidental ... hence an omen in nature.
love the fashion the model was wearing.
and love the set design.
and love what was written about Laura and her work on the film.
which reminded me of who i really was as an artist.
creative, extremely unique but personal and emotional.
this reminder was so timely.
because my full-time job was increasingly changing me into a corporate robot.
as if that was not enough,
i encountered an article about a men's fashion designer i admired.
from another magazine.
this designer closely paralleled how i thought about fashion and life in general.
the editorial wrote something about the designer's personality.
he said that his friends had difficulty with him because he took life and everything else so seriously.
this was important for me to read because recently i experienced more and more isolated.
as if i was going through something so difficult that no one could understand.
the editorial continued with the designer saying that it was ok with him.
because Meaning is more important than everything else.
that he needed to make sure what he is doing has meaning to him.
he said it so perfectly.
that i began feeling comfortable with who i really am.
quirks and all.
because the article implied that he, after all, meant well.
a GAP coat holds the key to Happiness
today, i got a green but artistically edgy GAP winter coat.
the weather is warmer.
but i still got it.
it was a coat i've been silently desiring for some time.
but in the past decided it was a bit expensive and not really essential considering the price of 98 dollars.
yesterday, i saw that it was on sale.
the price went down to 25 dollars.
that made me ecstatic.
but unfortunately the size was too big.
only 6 pieces were left and all of them were XL.
i decided to buy one.
despite being disappointed by the size.
back at home, i decided to give it to my business partner who dropped by for a visit.
he deserves more gifts in life.
he is one of the kindest souls on this planet.
and kind souls deserve more incentive to continue to be kind.
so i gave it to him.
the next day,
i decided to return a pair of pants, same place where i got this coat.
throughout the whole trip, i resigned myself to the fact that i would have to buy this coat on eBay, where i saw my size (Extra Small) being sold for 70 dollars.
the only one left with my size.
surprise of all surprises,
i see the same coat, Extra Small, 3 remaining pairs on a coat rack.
with the discounted price of 25 dollars.
i of course purchased it without hesitation.
after several days of experiencing no television and internet at my apartment (because i did not have enough money to pay the bill for the month - see previous blog entry)...
i needed this miracle.
throughout the silence of an apartment with no sound,
i sifted through thoughts about my next step in life.
fashion is definitely next.
but it does scare me a little.
and with this GAP coat in the bag,
i knew i was being nudged towards this direction.
i went home.
and immediately wore it.
unlike many social-climbing fashion elites,
i sincerely am a happier person when great fashion is experienced.
at a very deep creative level, life gains meaning when i see a piece of men's clothing artfully done.
the best way of describing it is like seeing God for the first time.
i wore it the whole night.
and am still wearing it as i type this blog entry.
the rawness of my body reaction to this coat indicates what is truly obvious.
that i love men's fashion.
and what i authentically love is what should be authentically pursue.
seek your Joy.
all omens remind us of this.
the weather is warmer.
but i still got it.
it was a coat i've been silently desiring for some time.
but in the past decided it was a bit expensive and not really essential considering the price of 98 dollars.
yesterday, i saw that it was on sale.
the price went down to 25 dollars.
that made me ecstatic.
but unfortunately the size was too big.
only 6 pieces were left and all of them were XL.
i decided to buy one.
despite being disappointed by the size.
back at home, i decided to give it to my business partner who dropped by for a visit.
he deserves more gifts in life.
he is one of the kindest souls on this planet.
and kind souls deserve more incentive to continue to be kind.
so i gave it to him.
the next day,
i decided to return a pair of pants, same place where i got this coat.
throughout the whole trip, i resigned myself to the fact that i would have to buy this coat on eBay, where i saw my size (Extra Small) being sold for 70 dollars.
the only one left with my size.
surprise of all surprises,
i see the same coat, Extra Small, 3 remaining pairs on a coat rack.
with the discounted price of 25 dollars.
i of course purchased it without hesitation.
after several days of experiencing no television and internet at my apartment (because i did not have enough money to pay the bill for the month - see previous blog entry)...
i needed this miracle.
throughout the silence of an apartment with no sound,
i sifted through thoughts about my next step in life.
fashion is definitely next.
but it does scare me a little.
and with this GAP coat in the bag,
i knew i was being nudged towards this direction.
i went home.
and immediately wore it.
unlike many social-climbing fashion elites,
i sincerely am a happier person when great fashion is experienced.
at a very deep creative level, life gains meaning when i see a piece of men's clothing artfully done.
the best way of describing it is like seeing God for the first time.
i wore it the whole night.
and am still wearing it as i type this blog entry.
the rawness of my body reaction to this coat indicates what is truly obvious.
that i love men's fashion.
and what i authentically love is what should be authentically pursue.
seek your Joy.
all omens remind us of this.
turn the phone off (as well as Life's ringer)
so i blew my budget to help out a friend at a crossroad in her life
she snapped emotionally
so i pulled all the stops and used my remaining budget to offer her comfort
she will never know the consequence of what i did
and have no intention of boasting about it to anyone or to her directly
needless to say,
i had both my cable TV and phone bill suspended because of that financial help.
and i am typing this blog entry without going online.
composing instead on my desktop sticky note program.
imagine a world without television and internet for four days.
trust me, it is hard.
i am thankful to my business partner who kept me company for two days.
he dropped by around 9pm and offered me a bite to eat until 12 midnight.
for 2 days only.
it is now the midnight between Thursday and Friday.
and had no form of media since Tuesday.
missed all my favorite TV shows for the week.
as well as my favorite websites.
yes, i took my television and internet for granted.
but that is not the core realization.
the core insight is:
i've been hiding behind all this Noise for a long time.
unconsciously afraid of confronting certain thoughts in my head.
the peak of the pain happened the first night of forced Silence.
inside a white walled apartment room, in 3 hours, i thought of every possible regret and shameful experience left unexplored.
from my ex.
and what went wrong.
and what i did wrong.
and how, even if i ask for forgiveness and a second chance, it will never be.
to an intense fear of what is ultimately going to happen next in my life.
in between were thoughts so random.
and so varied.
and so fleetingly quick in succession.
around 2 seconds in duration.
like a window view from a speeding train, passing by a dark sleeping rural town.
that night,
most of my thoughts were dark.
nothing suicidal.
but definitely filed with intense despair, fear and doubt.
what i found strange was the lack of anger directed towards anyone.
but rather, an intense anger directed towards myself.
which makes me wonder,
could all human anger be mere projections of anger towards one's self?
in my case, it was.
i was so angry at myself for being less than ideal.
for being an emotional mess during the time i met my ex.
for being a cruel person to the significant other i am currently dating.
for being hormonally depressed.
so i sat there on my bed, giving all these thoughts and emotions the chance to run their course.
they deserve the light of day after all, considering the prison they've been in.
around 2am,
the height of all that darkness just lifted.
it was as if nothing else was left to purge.
what followed was not peace.
nor goodness.
nor light.
what followed was so neutral.
it was Silence.
my mind was finally silent for a full 30 minutes.
there was nothing more to Think.
every possible scenario (false or real) was sufficiently chewed and digested.
so i just laid there on my bed.
enjoying the silence that was so rare in my life.
i then noticed a light peeping from my bedroom window.
peeping from a small exposed corner left unblocked by my yellow window curtain.
it was a sliver of light from a full moon.
this can make you puke, i am sure.
don't worry, this is not meant to be romantic or cinematic.
but this event carries so much significance to me.
because the moon has been a life Omen to me since i was young.
and only made an appearance three times in my life.
i remember being 9 years old.
inside my dad's first car.
he came home one night, in our very first rented apartment.
announcing that he finally got a job.
that came with a company car with it.
and we took our very first ride.
went out for dinner.
on the way, i saw the Moon above, on a clear night sky.
and noticed that the Moon was following us.
i asked my parents:
why was the Moon following our car?
no matter where we turned,
it was there.
my parents never answered me.
but i kept on looking.
the second time was the peak of my depression after quitting my first job.
i just resigned from the biggest film company in my home country.
because my boss (together with all her bosses) did not treat me with respect.
and i felt that i deserved to be happy in life.
after quitting, i honestly thought the Universe will conspire to help me focus on my dreams.
it did not.
i did not get the film grant that would have allowed me to be an artist and create something beautiful.
so what happens after both your True Dream and Manufactured Dream (read: professional career expected of a college grad) dissolves?
one questions everything.
then, one falls into despair.
so after not knowing what to do next in my life,
i just snapped.
one night,
inside my bedroom, located in the attic of our new house,
i suddenly felt angry at God.
no words uttered.
in my head, i told him he was a piece of shit.
because he does not reward people who are brave enough to pursue their dreams.
after all that intense anger and blasphemy,
i somehow started crying.
a quiet but very deep-seated sob.
i told God that i just needed a break.
that i deserve to be helped.
because this world needs people who are in a niche where they are happy.
and where their talents are expressed and appreciated.
because only then can they be of service to others.
i told him that all i needed was a job that i can be creative.
and one that did not force me to wake up so early.
i added that it must be something to do with brainstorming creative ideas because that was something easy to me.
although i was pretty sure that there was not a job out there that paid someone to just think.
well...
apparently there was.
a month after that drama,
i got a call from an ex-colleague.
he said the TV station that owns the film outfit where i resigned is forming a Creative Think Tank.
composed of 10 young individuals whose only job was to think of new shows, films, media ideas, etc.
after an initial interview, i got the job.
and that was the happiest two career years of my life.
now i am in the US.
my new home.
and from my bedroom window i see the moon again.
this is not a story about converting you to believe in God.
rather, a story about a God-like experience.
this latest appearance of the moon as an omen is very comforting.
i again felt safe in this world.
the days that followed were not easy.
the same mental demons tormented me.
and they will continue to do so as that is my burden.
until i am able to generate my own mental peace.
and not wait for the moon to do it for me.
she snapped emotionally
so i pulled all the stops and used my remaining budget to offer her comfort
she will never know the consequence of what i did
and have no intention of boasting about it to anyone or to her directly
needless to say,
i had both my cable TV and phone bill suspended because of that financial help.
and i am typing this blog entry without going online.
composing instead on my desktop sticky note program.
imagine a world without television and internet for four days.
trust me, it is hard.
i am thankful to my business partner who kept me company for two days.
he dropped by around 9pm and offered me a bite to eat until 12 midnight.
for 2 days only.
it is now the midnight between Thursday and Friday.
and had no form of media since Tuesday.
missed all my favorite TV shows for the week.
as well as my favorite websites.
yes, i took my television and internet for granted.
but that is not the core realization.
the core insight is:
i've been hiding behind all this Noise for a long time.
unconsciously afraid of confronting certain thoughts in my head.
the peak of the pain happened the first night of forced Silence.
inside a white walled apartment room, in 3 hours, i thought of every possible regret and shameful experience left unexplored.
from my ex.
and what went wrong.
and what i did wrong.
and how, even if i ask for forgiveness and a second chance, it will never be.
to an intense fear of what is ultimately going to happen next in my life.
in between were thoughts so random.
and so varied.
and so fleetingly quick in succession.
around 2 seconds in duration.
like a window view from a speeding train, passing by a dark sleeping rural town.
that night,
most of my thoughts were dark.
nothing suicidal.
but definitely filed with intense despair, fear and doubt.
what i found strange was the lack of anger directed towards anyone.
but rather, an intense anger directed towards myself.
which makes me wonder,
could all human anger be mere projections of anger towards one's self?
in my case, it was.
i was so angry at myself for being less than ideal.
for being an emotional mess during the time i met my ex.
for being a cruel person to the significant other i am currently dating.
for being hormonally depressed.
so i sat there on my bed, giving all these thoughts and emotions the chance to run their course.
they deserve the light of day after all, considering the prison they've been in.
around 2am,
the height of all that darkness just lifted.
it was as if nothing else was left to purge.
what followed was not peace.
nor goodness.
nor light.
what followed was so neutral.
it was Silence.
my mind was finally silent for a full 30 minutes.
there was nothing more to Think.
every possible scenario (false or real) was sufficiently chewed and digested.
so i just laid there on my bed.
enjoying the silence that was so rare in my life.
i then noticed a light peeping from my bedroom window.
peeping from a small exposed corner left unblocked by my yellow window curtain.
it was a sliver of light from a full moon.
this can make you puke, i am sure.
don't worry, this is not meant to be romantic or cinematic.
but this event carries so much significance to me.
because the moon has been a life Omen to me since i was young.
and only made an appearance three times in my life.
i remember being 9 years old.
inside my dad's first car.
he came home one night, in our very first rented apartment.
announcing that he finally got a job.
that came with a company car with it.
and we took our very first ride.
went out for dinner.
on the way, i saw the Moon above, on a clear night sky.
and noticed that the Moon was following us.
i asked my parents:
why was the Moon following our car?
no matter where we turned,
it was there.
my parents never answered me.
but i kept on looking.
the second time was the peak of my depression after quitting my first job.
i just resigned from the biggest film company in my home country.
because my boss (together with all her bosses) did not treat me with respect.
and i felt that i deserved to be happy in life.
after quitting, i honestly thought the Universe will conspire to help me focus on my dreams.
it did not.
i did not get the film grant that would have allowed me to be an artist and create something beautiful.
so what happens after both your True Dream and Manufactured Dream (read: professional career expected of a college grad) dissolves?
one questions everything.
then, one falls into despair.
so after not knowing what to do next in my life,
i just snapped.
one night,
inside my bedroom, located in the attic of our new house,
i suddenly felt angry at God.
no words uttered.
in my head, i told him he was a piece of shit.
because he does not reward people who are brave enough to pursue their dreams.
after all that intense anger and blasphemy,
i somehow started crying.
a quiet but very deep-seated sob.
i told God that i just needed a break.
that i deserve to be helped.
because this world needs people who are in a niche where they are happy.
and where their talents are expressed and appreciated.
because only then can they be of service to others.
i told him that all i needed was a job that i can be creative.
and one that did not force me to wake up so early.
i added that it must be something to do with brainstorming creative ideas because that was something easy to me.
although i was pretty sure that there was not a job out there that paid someone to just think.
well...
apparently there was.
a month after that drama,
i got a call from an ex-colleague.
he said the TV station that owns the film outfit where i resigned is forming a Creative Think Tank.
composed of 10 young individuals whose only job was to think of new shows, films, media ideas, etc.
after an initial interview, i got the job.
and that was the happiest two career years of my life.
now i am in the US.
my new home.
and from my bedroom window i see the moon again.
this is not a story about converting you to believe in God.
rather, a story about a God-like experience.
this latest appearance of the moon as an omen is very comforting.
i again felt safe in this world.
the days that followed were not easy.
the same mental demons tormented me.
and they will continue to do so as that is my burden.
until i am able to generate my own mental peace.
and not wait for the moon to do it for me.
Monday, April 16, 2007
omen: Day After Tomorrow
i know i've been writing more personal insights about life and less on the omens that i encounter.
but, this time.
i have an Omen encounter.
New York was deluged by rain for 30 hours straight.
gusty winds, flooding and complete darkness.
quite scary.
made even scarier with the film i was watching.
that climate apocalyptic film called Day After Tomorrow.
which i found surprisingly entertaining.
i don't know why.
but i have a thing for films of an epic and global scale...
which most of the time had an apocalyptic flavor.
there was one scene showing the leading lady risking her life to rescue a mother and daughter pair (complete strangers to her) from being flooded in a door-locked cab.
this was the omen part to me.
i think the world will be better if people performed more acts of kindness.
even just small ones.
then i started pondering on it deeper.
maybe the world is populated by small acts of kindness.
we just do not know about it.
since the news media is convinced that negative topics do better in the ratings.
whatever.
i've helped my share of strangers here in NY.
and i have, in turn, helped by them.
so if someone tells you of a dream of his,
hope you have some time to spare to check if you can assist him fulfill it.
because there is no greater trophy than a person who achieved his True Dream, partly because of you... adding one more positive person on this planet.
but, this time.
i have an Omen encounter.
New York was deluged by rain for 30 hours straight.
gusty winds, flooding and complete darkness.
quite scary.
made even scarier with the film i was watching.
that climate apocalyptic film called Day After Tomorrow.
which i found surprisingly entertaining.
i don't know why.
but i have a thing for films of an epic and global scale...
which most of the time had an apocalyptic flavor.
there was one scene showing the leading lady risking her life to rescue a mother and daughter pair (complete strangers to her) from being flooded in a door-locked cab.
this was the omen part to me.
i think the world will be better if people performed more acts of kindness.
even just small ones.
then i started pondering on it deeper.
maybe the world is populated by small acts of kindness.
we just do not know about it.
since the news media is convinced that negative topics do better in the ratings.
whatever.
i've helped my share of strangers here in NY.
and i have, in turn, helped by them.
so if someone tells you of a dream of his,
hope you have some time to spare to check if you can assist him fulfill it.
because there is no greater trophy than a person who achieved his True Dream, partly because of you... adding one more positive person on this planet.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
finding love
i am not here to tell you how to find it.
but if you are searching for it or wish to understand what healthy love is all about...
read The Path to Love by Deepak Chopra.
he definitely can explain it better than me.
after watching so much television on this storm-ridden Sunday,
i realized that perhaps the reason people go after the most handsome or beautiful individuals in their search for love was because they make good trophies or arm candy.
there is nothing better for your ego than introducing a hot guy or girl to your friends as your current flame.
because by doing so, it elevates your worth.
i am an idealist.
i definitely want the best for myself.
best job.
best business.
best significant other.
i do not like selling myself short.
but then i think about a significant other i currently have in my life who goes against the grain of who i am usually attracted to.
this person has a good heart with values that jive with mine.
let me tell you, finding that chemistry is better than any trophy.
and besides, human beings are not trophies.
they have feelings too.
so it is highly unfair to date someone because he or she looks good on you.
that person equally deserves someone who likes him for the real and right reasons.
but if you are searching for it or wish to understand what healthy love is all about...
read The Path to Love by Deepak Chopra.
he definitely can explain it better than me.
after watching so much television on this storm-ridden Sunday,
i realized that perhaps the reason people go after the most handsome or beautiful individuals in their search for love was because they make good trophies or arm candy.
there is nothing better for your ego than introducing a hot guy or girl to your friends as your current flame.
because by doing so, it elevates your worth.
i am an idealist.
i definitely want the best for myself.
best job.
best business.
best significant other.
i do not like selling myself short.
but then i think about a significant other i currently have in my life who goes against the grain of who i am usually attracted to.
this person has a good heart with values that jive with mine.
let me tell you, finding that chemistry is better than any trophy.
and besides, human beings are not trophies.
they have feelings too.
so it is highly unfair to date someone because he or she looks good on you.
that person equally deserves someone who likes him for the real and right reasons.
dreaming while the bills are piling up
so i emailed my younger brother of a great website idea.
it was a concept with so much uniqueness and potential.
he said he wanted to do it but unfortunately he does not have enough energy left after his work to be in the mood to do it.
i told him that it was no problem.
i was just sharing the idea with him, knowing that the concept was something close to his heart and something that will definitely make him happy (as it was related to his passion / hobby in life).
here is an excerpt from the email reply i sent him:
as for work,
i know it is hard.
and, trust me, i can relate.
the key things to remember are the following:
1) work is but a means to an END ... you need to know and be aware of that Future Goal as to why you are working:
ex) saving for school, saving for the capital for a business, saving to buy something, saving for a trip to Europe
- bottom line, you must know why you are earning a salary and know how money will benefit you or in the future
2) you are obliged to take care of yourself emotionally and spiritually...
ex) after work, you must do something that GENUINELY makes you happy
- most of them take the form of rituals such as drinking your favorite cup of coffee after work, i go to my favorite fashion stores or bookstores after work
3) on the side, you MUST simultaneously work on your TRUE dream
- you can always argue that you do not have either enough time, enough energy left after work, or enough money to pursue this dream
- while these are real conditions, the key is to start taking small and FREE steps to work towards a future goal
ex) i do not have capital yet to launch a fashion line... but after work, i surf for websites that inspire me about fashion advertising, i google search looking for tailors to sew my samples, i surf the fashion collections of my favorite designers, etc
ex) i dream of buying a condo in manila ... once i started surfing locations in manila, economy of manila, etc.
4) start a dream map or collage:
- after work, go through magazines or websites containing things you DREAM about: either want to buy or want to accomplish
- i realized that most of the pictures i posted on my apartment walls came true in my life
- it inspires you to achieve and looking at one's dreams reminds you why you are working, what your money will be doing for you and how it can be linked to your happiness
it was a concept with so much uniqueness and potential.
he said he wanted to do it but unfortunately he does not have enough energy left after his work to be in the mood to do it.
i told him that it was no problem.
i was just sharing the idea with him, knowing that the concept was something close to his heart and something that will definitely make him happy (as it was related to his passion / hobby in life).
here is an excerpt from the email reply i sent him:
as for work,
i know it is hard.
and, trust me, i can relate.
the key things to remember are the following:
1) work is but a means to an END ... you need to know and be aware of that Future Goal as to why you are working:
ex) saving for school, saving for the capital for a business, saving to buy something, saving for a trip to Europe
- bottom line, you must know why you are earning a salary and know how money will benefit you or in the future
2) you are obliged to take care of yourself emotionally and spiritually...
ex) after work, you must do something that GENUINELY makes you happy
- most of them take the form of rituals such as drinking your favorite cup of coffee after work, i go to my favorite fashion stores or bookstores after work
3) on the side, you MUST simultaneously work on your TRUE dream
- you can always argue that you do not have either enough time, enough energy left after work, or enough money to pursue this dream
- while these are real conditions, the key is to start taking small and FREE steps to work towards a future goal
ex) i do not have capital yet to launch a fashion line... but after work, i surf for websites that inspire me about fashion advertising, i google search looking for tailors to sew my samples, i surf the fashion collections of my favorite designers, etc
ex) i dream of buying a condo in manila ... once i started surfing locations in manila, economy of manila, etc.
4) start a dream map or collage:
- after work, go through magazines or websites containing things you DREAM about: either want to buy or want to accomplish
- i realized that most of the pictures i posted on my apartment walls came true in my life
- it inspires you to achieve and looking at one's dreams reminds you why you are working, what your money will be doing for you and how it can be linked to your happiness
sugar or salt?
one of my lowest points in my life in New York had something to do with poverty.
i believe it was my second year here and i was at a dead-end job.
working hard at a full-time job but still did not have enough left after bills.
i remember one weekend...
all i had was a cup of coffee and some food from a relative.
the coffee needed sugar.
and the food needed salt.
and both condiments were out.
and after counting my coins, i had enough money left to buy just one of the two from a nearby deli.
so i had to choose between buying sugar or buying salt.
sugar and salt are not things one usually struggle with.
i am sure we always take them for granted.
now that i have enough money in my life.
and my financial future is finally increasingly positive and accumulating...
i am proud of the fact that i continue to value and feel grateful for everything i currently have, no matter how basic.
so whenever i see sugar or salt on a restaurant table,
i am reminded of my journey,
i am reminded of my perseverance,
i am reminded of the capacity of every human being to turn the bleakest of life situations into something significantly better.
i am proof of that.
i believe it was my second year here and i was at a dead-end job.
working hard at a full-time job but still did not have enough left after bills.
i remember one weekend...
all i had was a cup of coffee and some food from a relative.
the coffee needed sugar.
and the food needed salt.
and both condiments were out.
and after counting my coins, i had enough money left to buy just one of the two from a nearby deli.
so i had to choose between buying sugar or buying salt.
sugar and salt are not things one usually struggle with.
i am sure we always take them for granted.
now that i have enough money in my life.
and my financial future is finally increasingly positive and accumulating...
i am proud of the fact that i continue to value and feel grateful for everything i currently have, no matter how basic.
so whenever i see sugar or salt on a restaurant table,
i am reminded of my journey,
i am reminded of my perseverance,
i am reminded of the capacity of every human being to turn the bleakest of life situations into something significantly better.
i am proof of that.
Friday, April 6, 2007
dreamers who only dream
i am severely disappointed that a friend of mine simply continues to dream but not do anything to achieve it.
this person complains that his day job is no longer fulfilling.
but when given a chance to do something he is passionate about,
i was shocked to know that several weeks had passed and not even the first step was accomplished.
so if this persons complains to me again the he is no longer happy with his job...
i will tell him he deserves his suffering.
and to refrain from whining to me from now on.
people dream all the time.
but unless you carry that dream into the Waking World, that dream remains simply a dream.
i seriously cannot believe it.
i even did the dirty work to help this person start.
and he still was lazy enough to simply build upon what was already started for him.
he does not deserve his dream.
his Dream should abandon him.
and go towards the more proactive and ambitious ones.
this person complains that his day job is no longer fulfilling.
but when given a chance to do something he is passionate about,
i was shocked to know that several weeks had passed and not even the first step was accomplished.
so if this persons complains to me again the he is no longer happy with his job...
i will tell him he deserves his suffering.
and to refrain from whining to me from now on.
people dream all the time.
but unless you carry that dream into the Waking World, that dream remains simply a dream.
i seriously cannot believe it.
i even did the dirty work to help this person start.
and he still was lazy enough to simply build upon what was already started for him.
he does not deserve his dream.
his Dream should abandon him.
and go towards the more proactive and ambitious ones.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
is it integrity?
so, i had a big fight with my best friend last night.
the thing with very good friends is that both tend to be very comfortable with who they really are.
no more need to use the polite and rehearsed personas we use in everyday life.
i have a big pet peeve with people.
i hate repeating myself.
because my logical brain does and explains things so methodically, think in bullet form on Microsoft Word, severely itemized like a Thesis Outline.
simply put, i say it in Step 1, Sub a), Sub b) , etc.
so my friend did not get it.
so i had to explain it again.
seriously, it was not that hard.
just two forms.
one to be signed by you.
one to be signed by the lawyer.
he still did not get it.
so i repeated it for the Third Time.
i asked if he got it this time.
he said Yes.
10 seconds after,
he asked how many forms again were we talking about.
that is when i blew up.
i find it extremely rude when people do not listen intently.
not only that, this repetition has happened before.
and a fight always follows that.
so, in the past,
i set a fair Ultimatum.
because i won't change.
because he won't change.
then we either:
1) find a compromise to make the friendship work.
2) we give it up completely.
he violated the compromise on his part.
so i asked him again.
i said:
i cannot do this.
and fight with you.
and get upset.
and be angry every time we talk.
so, i posed the question again:
while it is unfair to ask people to change,
i said that it is better to dissolve this friendship because it causes me anger and negativity.
that it is better if he gets out.
i will miss the good times and the good that our friendship is equally capable of.
but this repetition is extremely rude to me.
so the question was: how important is this friendship to you?
if it is, he must try harder and is only allowed two repetitions. that's it.
if he cannot do it, then next time, it is over.
sounds harsh, i know.
but my life is too important to waste on being angry.
and i do not expect to get along with everyone.
as a good quote once said:
those who do not mind, matter.
those who mind, do not really matter.
the thing with very good friends is that both tend to be very comfortable with who they really are.
no more need to use the polite and rehearsed personas we use in everyday life.
i have a big pet peeve with people.
i hate repeating myself.
because my logical brain does and explains things so methodically, think in bullet form on Microsoft Word, severely itemized like a Thesis Outline.
simply put, i say it in Step 1, Sub a), Sub b) , etc.
so my friend did not get it.
so i had to explain it again.
seriously, it was not that hard.
just two forms.
one to be signed by you.
one to be signed by the lawyer.
he still did not get it.
so i repeated it for the Third Time.
i asked if he got it this time.
he said Yes.
10 seconds after,
he asked how many forms again were we talking about.
that is when i blew up.
i find it extremely rude when people do not listen intently.
not only that, this repetition has happened before.
and a fight always follows that.
so, in the past,
i set a fair Ultimatum.
because i won't change.
because he won't change.
then we either:
1) find a compromise to make the friendship work.
2) we give it up completely.
he violated the compromise on his part.
so i asked him again.
i said:
i cannot do this.
and fight with you.
and get upset.
and be angry every time we talk.
so, i posed the question again:
while it is unfair to ask people to change,
i said that it is better to dissolve this friendship because it causes me anger and negativity.
that it is better if he gets out.
i will miss the good times and the good that our friendship is equally capable of.
but this repetition is extremely rude to me.
so the question was: how important is this friendship to you?
if it is, he must try harder and is only allowed two repetitions. that's it.
if he cannot do it, then next time, it is over.
sounds harsh, i know.
but my life is too important to waste on being angry.
and i do not expect to get along with everyone.
as a good quote once said:
those who do not mind, matter.
those who mind, do not really matter.
Monday, April 2, 2007
great quote
"If you want to know your past - look into your present conditions. If you want to know your future - look into your present actions."
~Chinese Proverb~
~Chinese Proverb~
Friday, March 30, 2007
good definition of creativity
this was emailed to me on my Yahoo account.
one of those Thoughts for the Day.
this may sound cheesy,
but in the past, these email quotes either saved my ass from self-indulgent feelings of despair or pointed me to the right attitude in life, eventually leading to the right step to take next.
so here is a good definition of creativity:
Most people go along and never experience their creativity. They run on old programs or follow the "normal" way of doing things. Creativity is not just painting a picture, writing a poem or doing a modern dance. It is a way of life. Every activity can become a creative experience.
~Thomas D. Willhite~
The Book of Consciousness
by the way, on an interview, Alanis Morrisette pretty much echoed the same sentiment.
this is exactly the logic behind why i encourage people to become Creative.
i cannot explain it.
but somehow doing something Creative makes ordinary life a little magical.
because as we transcend the dull to create something beautiful, in turn, we transcend our dullness and vicariously become reminded of our beauty.
i often hear the excuse, I am not creative.
maybe not in the interior design sense.
nor from a fashion stylist's opinion.
but i am sure there is a hobby out there that you like doing.
that unlocks little actions of creativity while tinkering with that hobby.
my mom, for example, puts garnish on a plate of a mundane piece of fried fish.
on top of a white place, the brown ugly crispy fish is complemented by small strategically doses of orange via artfully cut carrots.
the eyes see the orange first.
even if you look at the brown-ness of the fish,
you will never see it alone.
and will always see it in your head as being combined with the orange carrots.
never the singular.
now a beautiful whole.
one of those Thoughts for the Day.
this may sound cheesy,
but in the past, these email quotes either saved my ass from self-indulgent feelings of despair or pointed me to the right attitude in life, eventually leading to the right step to take next.
so here is a good definition of creativity:
Most people go along and never experience their creativity. They run on old programs or follow the "normal" way of doing things. Creativity is not just painting a picture, writing a poem or doing a modern dance. It is a way of life. Every activity can become a creative experience.
~Thomas D. Willhite~
The Book of Consciousness
by the way, on an interview, Alanis Morrisette pretty much echoed the same sentiment.
this is exactly the logic behind why i encourage people to become Creative.
i cannot explain it.
but somehow doing something Creative makes ordinary life a little magical.
because as we transcend the dull to create something beautiful, in turn, we transcend our dullness and vicariously become reminded of our beauty.
i often hear the excuse, I am not creative.
maybe not in the interior design sense.
nor from a fashion stylist's opinion.
but i am sure there is a hobby out there that you like doing.
that unlocks little actions of creativity while tinkering with that hobby.
my mom, for example, puts garnish on a plate of a mundane piece of fried fish.
on top of a white place, the brown ugly crispy fish is complemented by small strategically doses of orange via artfully cut carrots.
the eyes see the orange first.
even if you look at the brown-ness of the fish,
you will never see it alone.
and will always see it in your head as being combined with the orange carrots.
never the singular.
now a beautiful whole.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
the purpose of life
there is no purpose in life...
the one that was set by God, for you to uncover...
one that if not followed, will doom you.
God is not that harsh and masochistic.
the purpose of life is to find your Joy.
to follow your Bliss.
this will lead you to what you need to do in life.
if your Joy changes,
then a new Purpose in life has awakened.
in summary, the Purpose and Meaning of Life ultimately relies on you.
the above premise was discussed by Neale Donald Walshe, author of A Conversation with God. (also discussed in the film, The Secret)
for a person who has sought the Purpose and Meaning of Life for so long,
i can now rest and end my search.
the one that was set by God, for you to uncover...
one that if not followed, will doom you.
God is not that harsh and masochistic.
the purpose of life is to find your Joy.
to follow your Bliss.
this will lead you to what you need to do in life.
if your Joy changes,
then a new Purpose in life has awakened.
in summary, the Purpose and Meaning of Life ultimately relies on you.
the above premise was discussed by Neale Donald Walshe, author of A Conversation with God. (also discussed in the film, The Secret)
for a person who has sought the Purpose and Meaning of Life for so long,
i can now rest and end my search.
a favorite quote
Be humble for you are made of earth.
Be noble for you are made of stars.
- a Serbian proverb
Be noble for you are made of stars.
- a Serbian proverb
your fear will take you there
i once attended one of those self-help seminars while i was still in manila.
the basis of which was the premise:
what you think is what you create.
that, i got.
the reason i went there was primarily for Direction.
i did not know what my Calling / True Career was.
did i get a realization about what my Ultimate Occupation would be during the seminar?
yes.
and no.
yes:
because during a writing exercise, i had a vision of what that Calling in life would look like in concrete form.
miraculously, this is what i am doing now.
no:
because the form it took continued to be general.
meaning, it did not specifically say which among the various permutations and options i must pursue first.
during the last day of the seminar,
the speaker shared a quote.
something to the effect of:
What you fear will point you to the direction of what you need to do next.
this was uncomfortable to me.
because if i followed its suggestion, it would take me so out and beyond my comfort zone.
the stakes were too high.
a year after that seminar,
i did face my fear.
except that when i finally made a decision to face it and do it,
i was surprisingly calm.
even brave.
this is what wise men spoke of.
it is called Decision.
when the soul is ready to make a decision,
it does it.
and it is final.
and it has power.
it has been 5 years since i left everything behind in Manila.
and i survived and thrived in New York.
i do not like Dr. Phil's nastiness as a self-help talk show host.
but he said one thing that changed my life for the better.
he said (to paraphrase):
Life is Managed, not Cured.
meaning,
life will never be completely okay.
nor stable.
one success leads to another goal that must be accomplished.
human beings and their journey is about a progression of goals.
i've accomplished several important Life Goals in New York.
now, i come face to face with another one.
one that i've evaded in Manila.
that is now confronting me here in my new homeland.
i know this is my next step in life because pursuing it scares me too death.
and i ironically cannot stop thinking about it.
i know i must confront it once and for all.
because if not now, when?
my next business venture is so close to my heart.
every time i open my notebook to start writing my ideas, my heart literally palpitates.
my creativity is blocked and i know it is because i unconsciously do not want to confront it yet.
today, on a Sunday, i am determined to open my notebook again.
and here i am evading it once more.
by writing a post on this blog.
after this post,
i will take a shower.
and after that shower, i will finally open that notebook again.
today is the day.
let the journey towards a Dream begin once again.
the basis of which was the premise:
what you think is what you create.
that, i got.
the reason i went there was primarily for Direction.
i did not know what my Calling / True Career was.
did i get a realization about what my Ultimate Occupation would be during the seminar?
yes.
and no.
yes:
because during a writing exercise, i had a vision of what that Calling in life would look like in concrete form.
miraculously, this is what i am doing now.
no:
because the form it took continued to be general.
meaning, it did not specifically say which among the various permutations and options i must pursue first.
during the last day of the seminar,
the speaker shared a quote.
something to the effect of:
What you fear will point you to the direction of what you need to do next.
this was uncomfortable to me.
because if i followed its suggestion, it would take me so out and beyond my comfort zone.
the stakes were too high.
a year after that seminar,
i did face my fear.
except that when i finally made a decision to face it and do it,
i was surprisingly calm.
even brave.
this is what wise men spoke of.
it is called Decision.
when the soul is ready to make a decision,
it does it.
and it is final.
and it has power.
it has been 5 years since i left everything behind in Manila.
and i survived and thrived in New York.
i do not like Dr. Phil's nastiness as a self-help talk show host.
but he said one thing that changed my life for the better.
he said (to paraphrase):
Life is Managed, not Cured.
meaning,
life will never be completely okay.
nor stable.
one success leads to another goal that must be accomplished.
human beings and their journey is about a progression of goals.
i've accomplished several important Life Goals in New York.
now, i come face to face with another one.
one that i've evaded in Manila.
that is now confronting me here in my new homeland.
i know this is my next step in life because pursuing it scares me too death.
and i ironically cannot stop thinking about it.
i know i must confront it once and for all.
because if not now, when?
my next business venture is so close to my heart.
every time i open my notebook to start writing my ideas, my heart literally palpitates.
my creativity is blocked and i know it is because i unconsciously do not want to confront it yet.
today, on a Sunday, i am determined to open my notebook again.
and here i am evading it once more.
by writing a post on this blog.
after this post,
i will take a shower.
and after that shower, i will finally open that notebook again.
today is the day.
let the journey towards a Dream begin once again.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
wisdom from the weird
so i went to a bookstore to unwind.
a bookstore, like creativity, must be explored with an open mind.
as much as i am used to the aisles holding design-related materials,
i sometimes force myself to wander to other shelves that i normally would not due to lack of interest.
2 days ago, i went to International Travel and read about Dubai.
yesterday, i went to the New Age magazine section and chanced upon a Sedona magazine (March 2007 issue i think) with a cheesy tabloid-ish cover.
you know, those tabloid covers that say Predictions, Crop Circles and Spirit Guides.
my body reacted tensely.
knowing that this will be such a waste of time.
but, i held true to my New Year's resolution and reminded myself that a bookstore, like creativity, must be explored with an open mind.
so i opened the book.
there was an article written by a Spirit Guide through the channeling of a female medium... stuff about the magnetic poles, magnetic DNA, etc.
ok, nothing shocking.
i must admit, i have an affinity with metaphysical and supernatural ideas because of the intense imagination it offers... appetizer for a creative thinker.
i browsed through several articles, judging their worth on the merits of their titles.
one made me stop:
it was a question asked by a writer to a Spirit.
the writer asked,
How do I get more financial abundance in my life?
I always seem to have little money left after bills.
the Spirit said (to paraphrase),
You begin by revising the question.
And changing the word, Financial, into Joy.
so, the Question should be: How does one get more Joy in one's life.
according to the spirit,
Joy equates to the energy of money.
one must find that activity in life that he/she finds joy in.
something she truly and authentically enjoys doing.
once this activity is found, the activity can be used in service for others.
and once other beings partake of the service you offer, they will notice the joy and happiness that you put into your service.
not only will they notice your enthusiasm for it, they too will notice how good your service is.
for an activity done with joy increases the quality of the act.
and because you are doing such a good job with the activity/service you are performing, people are willing to both come back to you again and even pay you more.
whoever this Spirit is,
i completely agree.
in summary, just like the title of one book:
Do What You Love and the Money will Follow.
a bookstore, like creativity, must be explored with an open mind.
as much as i am used to the aisles holding design-related materials,
i sometimes force myself to wander to other shelves that i normally would not due to lack of interest.
2 days ago, i went to International Travel and read about Dubai.
yesterday, i went to the New Age magazine section and chanced upon a Sedona magazine (March 2007 issue i think) with a cheesy tabloid-ish cover.
you know, those tabloid covers that say Predictions, Crop Circles and Spirit Guides.
my body reacted tensely.
knowing that this will be such a waste of time.
but, i held true to my New Year's resolution and reminded myself that a bookstore, like creativity, must be explored with an open mind.
so i opened the book.
there was an article written by a Spirit Guide through the channeling of a female medium... stuff about the magnetic poles, magnetic DNA, etc.
ok, nothing shocking.
i must admit, i have an affinity with metaphysical and supernatural ideas because of the intense imagination it offers... appetizer for a creative thinker.
i browsed through several articles, judging their worth on the merits of their titles.
one made me stop:
it was a question asked by a writer to a Spirit.
the writer asked,
How do I get more financial abundance in my life?
I always seem to have little money left after bills.
the Spirit said (to paraphrase),
You begin by revising the question.
And changing the word, Financial, into Joy.
so, the Question should be: How does one get more Joy in one's life.
according to the spirit,
Joy equates to the energy of money.
one must find that activity in life that he/she finds joy in.
something she truly and authentically enjoys doing.
once this activity is found, the activity can be used in service for others.
and once other beings partake of the service you offer, they will notice the joy and happiness that you put into your service.
not only will they notice your enthusiasm for it, they too will notice how good your service is.
for an activity done with joy increases the quality of the act.
and because you are doing such a good job with the activity/service you are performing, people are willing to both come back to you again and even pay you more.
whoever this Spirit is,
i completely agree.
in summary, just like the title of one book:
Do What You Love and the Money will Follow.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Desiderata
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be careful.
Strive to be happy.
© Max Ehrmann 1927
Sunday, March 18, 2007
American Beauty
my omens usually appear on a weekend.
maybe because my mind is more relaxed hence more open to free-wheeling thought and day dreams.
so on a lazy Sunday afternoon, i chanced upon the film, American Beauty.
i remember seeing it 5 years ago.
loved it then.
still love it now.
this time, what captured me wasn't the scene about the plastic bag dancing with the wind...
rather a song that played in the background of one of the scenes:
Don't Let it Bring you Down (as sung by Annie Lennox).
i am bad with lyrics.
i am not one of those people who listen intently on the words.
my natural approach is to feel the song in its entirety with maybe my Unconscious Mind grasping what the song is saying.
for such a sad song, i found it so optimistic and uplifting.
it was as if i've been sad for a long time but did not really know it.
then, suddenly hearing the song made everything better.
as if everything was forgiven.
with a scene in my head of a person wiping the dust off and picking himself up from the ground.
i am so obsessed with the song, enough for me to scour You Tube for any rendition.
found one sung by amateurs but not the one sung by Annie Lennox.
if i were to make a film, it will have the same feel and technique of American Beauty.
it was directed with heart and not with slick camera movements.
and this sums up who i am as a filmmaker and an artist.
today was such a good Sunday because not only was i reminded to honor my Unique Voice as a filmmaker, i also happened to read a magazine compiled by several artists in honor of a comrade/photographer allegedly killed by a drunk driver.
i believe it was the March or April 2007 issue of I-D magazine, a special called Safe + Sound.
in it were inspirational stories submitted by fashion designers, artists and other creative types.
one of them was simply a page posting the whole text of the Desiderata.
which i will post in a separate blog entry.
the Desiderata had the same effect on me as the song from American Beauty.
to not let things bring me down.
to be brave.
unfortunately it takes a death for us to celebrate our Voice.
maybe because my mind is more relaxed hence more open to free-wheeling thought and day dreams.
so on a lazy Sunday afternoon, i chanced upon the film, American Beauty.
i remember seeing it 5 years ago.
loved it then.
still love it now.
this time, what captured me wasn't the scene about the plastic bag dancing with the wind...
rather a song that played in the background of one of the scenes:
Don't Let it Bring you Down (as sung by Annie Lennox).
i am bad with lyrics.
i am not one of those people who listen intently on the words.
my natural approach is to feel the song in its entirety with maybe my Unconscious Mind grasping what the song is saying.
for such a sad song, i found it so optimistic and uplifting.
it was as if i've been sad for a long time but did not really know it.
then, suddenly hearing the song made everything better.
as if everything was forgiven.
with a scene in my head of a person wiping the dust off and picking himself up from the ground.
i am so obsessed with the song, enough for me to scour You Tube for any rendition.
found one sung by amateurs but not the one sung by Annie Lennox.
if i were to make a film, it will have the same feel and technique of American Beauty.
it was directed with heart and not with slick camera movements.
and this sums up who i am as a filmmaker and an artist.
today was such a good Sunday because not only was i reminded to honor my Unique Voice as a filmmaker, i also happened to read a magazine compiled by several artists in honor of a comrade/photographer allegedly killed by a drunk driver.
i believe it was the March or April 2007 issue of I-D magazine, a special called Safe + Sound.
in it were inspirational stories submitted by fashion designers, artists and other creative types.
one of them was simply a page posting the whole text of the Desiderata.
which i will post in a separate blog entry.
the Desiderata had the same effect on me as the song from American Beauty.
to not let things bring me down.
to be brave.
unfortunately it takes a death for us to celebrate our Voice.
what makes a good leader?
strangely, i was always nominated for leadership roles in high school.
falsely associating good grades with good leadership.
i was such a bad leader then.
poor logistics.
bad temper.
my only redemption was my creative talent.
in time, i got better.
both in logistics and management of people.
what changed was my newfound capacity to delegate tasks to more qualified people.
but is good leadership rooted only in good management?
apparently not.
the last page of Fast Company's April 2007 issue tackled an ex-CEO's take on leadership.
it was such a fascinating interview of Bill George, a professor at Harvard Business School.
former CEO of Medtronic Inc.
and author of True North.
to paraphrase, he said:
leaders who fail often fall prey to the pleasures and seductions that come with power.
their egos, greed, craving for public adulation and fear of the loss of power overtake their responsibility to build the institution they were hired to manage.
authentic leaders are those who serve others and are there to bring everyone together toward a common cause.
according to him:
it is very natural to get caught up inside our heads - to think more about how people are perceiving us than about what we need to do to realize our goals.
this last phrase is key.
for the struggle happens not only in the office but in Life as well.
falsely associating good grades with good leadership.
i was such a bad leader then.
poor logistics.
bad temper.
my only redemption was my creative talent.
in time, i got better.
both in logistics and management of people.
what changed was my newfound capacity to delegate tasks to more qualified people.
but is good leadership rooted only in good management?
apparently not.
the last page of Fast Company's April 2007 issue tackled an ex-CEO's take on leadership.
it was such a fascinating interview of Bill George, a professor at Harvard Business School.
former CEO of Medtronic Inc.
and author of True North.
to paraphrase, he said:
leaders who fail often fall prey to the pleasures and seductions that come with power.
their egos, greed, craving for public adulation and fear of the loss of power overtake their responsibility to build the institution they were hired to manage.
authentic leaders are those who serve others and are there to bring everyone together toward a common cause.
according to him:
it is very natural to get caught up inside our heads - to think more about how people are perceiving us than about what we need to do to realize our goals.
this last phrase is key.
for the struggle happens not only in the office but in Life as well.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
the absence of small talk
i have a problem:
i seem to have lost my capacity for small talk
don't get me wrong, i can do it
but i no longer have the desire to do so
nor even try
when i meet someone for the first time
i am impatient and wish to discover the main essence of a person immediately
i surprise a lot of people with questions such as:
are you happy with your life?
what are you up to?
what are your goals?
i guess we are in a society that brainwashed us to focus on financial survival
instead of a meaningful life
by the way, who said a meaningful life inevitably meant poverty
it's been surveyed that most millionaires happened to be in professions/careers that they genuinely loved
they did not get into their endeavors with money as the main driving point
the best book i've read was a book whose title i only read:
Do What You Love and Money will Follow
no need to open the book and read it
the title was enough for me
so, why do i need to chat with you about the weather
and gossip about our peers who get themselves into dysfunctional romantic relationships
they are a complete waste of time
someone told me that small talk is a social lubricant
to keep human interaction and the process of meeting new acquaintances less shocking
whatever.
this is just me.
call me socially-awkward.
but it is more important for me, during our brief time to meet, to make sure your essence is on the table.
that Who You Really Are is engaged, because i am sure it is not normally engaged by your daily life and your daily circle of peers.
life is short.
let's cut to the chase and make sure you are on the right path.
while it is not my place to find it for you.
you can begin the search by waking up to the fact that you do have a higher journey and a Bigger Picture.
tell me your dreams briefly.
then let's see if i can help you or know someone who can help you or at least point you to a reasonable next step to further your cause.
such a deep conversation takes 15 minutes.
small talk averages between 30-45 minutes.
who would have thought?
i seem to have lost my capacity for small talk
don't get me wrong, i can do it
but i no longer have the desire to do so
nor even try
when i meet someone for the first time
i am impatient and wish to discover the main essence of a person immediately
i surprise a lot of people with questions such as:
are you happy with your life?
what are you up to?
what are your goals?
i guess we are in a society that brainwashed us to focus on financial survival
instead of a meaningful life
by the way, who said a meaningful life inevitably meant poverty
it's been surveyed that most millionaires happened to be in professions/careers that they genuinely loved
they did not get into their endeavors with money as the main driving point
the best book i've read was a book whose title i only read:
Do What You Love and Money will Follow
no need to open the book and read it
the title was enough for me
so, why do i need to chat with you about the weather
and gossip about our peers who get themselves into dysfunctional romantic relationships
they are a complete waste of time
someone told me that small talk is a social lubricant
to keep human interaction and the process of meeting new acquaintances less shocking
whatever.
this is just me.
call me socially-awkward.
but it is more important for me, during our brief time to meet, to make sure your essence is on the table.
that Who You Really Are is engaged, because i am sure it is not normally engaged by your daily life and your daily circle of peers.
life is short.
let's cut to the chase and make sure you are on the right path.
while it is not my place to find it for you.
you can begin the search by waking up to the fact that you do have a higher journey and a Bigger Picture.
tell me your dreams briefly.
then let's see if i can help you or know someone who can help you or at least point you to a reasonable next step to further your cause.
such a deep conversation takes 15 minutes.
small talk averages between 30-45 minutes.
who would have thought?
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